Open letter to Voodoo – Just say’n

Posted on April 19, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

Hi,

You may know me from such griefy escapades as… Uhm… Uh…

Well, for one, you don’t know me.

For another, I don’t grief. (^_^)

So, why…

http://vudu.sl/Help/SecondLifeGriefers

^^ … am I on this list? (=_=)

Since my name is on it, I’ll claim the list as my property and copy it here. =^-^=

1100painter Arado, 25SmartiesInDerKurve Resident, 62990Celine Moonbeam, 8lc Coy, Aakkron Salamander, Aar Kondor, Abra Zabelin, ace Ireto, AdamFORevaR Faith, Adamus Inglewood, Adamx Addens, ADe91 Resident, Adeena Szapira, adiana Gothly, Adrianea Resident, Aelaina Acacia, Ahlexander Resident, Aiko Carami, Aileen Resident, Ailsa Muliaina, Aimee Dash, Aimi Sugarplum, Aine Philly, Airborne Ranger, Akasha Zenoria, Akihime Aie, Ako Resident, Alain Jupiter, Alan Fitzhugh, Alectra Breen, Alenashka Resident, alexa07 Resident, AlexaMonroe Resident, Alexandra Sadovnycha, Alexandria Alexandre, Alexeiev Laryukov, alexeroga Resident, Alicia Bellecoeur, Alicia Edring, Alina Vayandar, Alizee Cerise, AlleyStar Resident, Allyne Clip, Almatheea VanDouser, alpimhexe Resident, Alpinhexe Resident, Alsoran Luminos, altperson Resident, AMADEUS Galicia, Amadeus Ghanduhar, American Deed, Amethyst Viper, amie Catnap, Amore Euler, anaelle Cyriac, Anastasia Howlett, andromeda Oxygen, angel Sparrowhawk, Angelia 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Chemistry, Squishy Bloobury, St0rmy Resident, Stardust Alcove, Starleya Resident, starman2k Randt, SteamPunk Gears, Steel Katana, Stefan Wasser, Stephen Stonesoul, Steve Noland, stillness Resident, Stirred Diesel, Stormi Forcella, Stormy Summerwind, Stree Stoop, SugarNLatte Resident, SugarPutty Magic, SumatraBouffant Beaumont, SummerJoy Inglewood, Sunset Lowtide, Susanne Sella, Suzan Perfferle, suzie Yazimoto, Suzy Davros, Suzy Osterham, Svein Somerset, Sweet Valentine, sweety Thorr, SWIM Oh, Sylvaria Moonshadow, Synthya Resident, Syrenah Resident, Sysdef Wonder, Szopaw Lycour, T0Much Takacs, Tabitha Firelight, TaeYong Starbrook, Tahuti Mortmagus, Talia Eyre, Tallyn Landar, Talvi Claven, tamaedeva Resident, Tamara Fright, Tameiki Pawpad, TammyDeee Andel, Tapanga Mahogany, TaraBK Calamity, tarki Resident, Tasha Saeed, Tatyana Magic, Tavish McGinnis, TawnieLee Resident, Taylor Ranica, Tears Fermi, Teco Dembo, teena Kidd, tender scorpio, TENNHOBO Bigbear, Tephi Zepp, Terminatrix Resident, Tesseract Resident, TexasKitten Resident, Thaden Tiratzo, The2Lover resident, TheBestEver Resident, Thomas Conover, ThomasKlaus McDonnell, Thraxas Steamweaver, THX138 Resident, Tianna Poleni, Tigerloona Resident, Tim Taurion, Tina Engineer, titemarion Resident, Tlanamai Placebo, Toby Sugarplum, Tomsie Resident, Torben Scatter, Toronto Grantly, Total Serenity, Trace Frenburg, Tracy019 Resident, Trance12 Farquart, Trash Chesnokov, Treminari Huet, Trent Glom, Tricky Daines, Trina Singh, Trix Lennier, tucho Azalee, Tweetybird Runner, twilightmom22 Resident, txell Blaisdale, TylerRose Nexen, Tyn Ishelwood, Tyrone Breil, Uarsaset Shamen, Ultra Shuffle, Undine Collinson, Unya Tigerfish, Urfin Vacano, USOMAD Resident, Utauloid Resident, Vacquero Mondalimare, Valentino Steamer, Valeseth Resident, Valkyrie Spearsong, vanessas Quixote, Vanitis Coeur, Vara Coy, Vasileios Nikolaidis, Velvet Bikcin, Vexy Juran, Vick Auggers, Victor1st Mornington, VictoriaaSweetHeart Resident, Viento Avril, vinaik Resident, Vinney Breen, viscountdegruchy Resident, Vitton Hermit, Vittor DeVinna, Vittor Theas, VivianneLee Resident, Vixen Footpad, Vulnavia Dubrovna, vulvus McConach, VynezShiek Resident, wade Cadell, Waleis Moseley, Walkingmoon86 Resident, Wantus Visage, WaterAngel Inglewood, Weard Welty, Whisper Minotaur, Wil Parx, Will Gainey, Willow Rootcreeper, Willow Seljan, wimperchen Resident, WinthorpeFoghorn Zinnemann, Wolf Iredia, Wolf Morane, Woman Wonder, Woody Yue, Wotan Nobilis, XandraXX Resident, XantheRose Resident, Xelyn Xaris, Xena Renfold, Xerxes Jigsaw, xHeartlessDarkheartx Resident, Yahemin Zamora, yanchie19 Resident, yano Resident, Yasmine Delvalle, Yauvani Navarathna, Yema Harvy, YokiFish Resident, Yume Nakajima, YummYGuU Evermore, yupmo Xue, YvetteSpry Resident, Zacek Anton, zafir Resident, zalliah Resident, Zanis Bardenboar, Zara Straaf, Zardoz Morane, Zavos Resident, ZenMondo Wormser, Zeno Zoilin, Zeudi Aichi, Zia Thibedeau, zina Jules, Zulis Arun, Zuri Hadisson, Zuri Omizu, ZZeee Zaftig

Mind you.  This is a long list.  I had assumed that griefing was against the TOS and people got banned from SL for it.  In fact, in addressing griefings on locations I serve as officer, I haven’t seen a griefing committed by an avatar any older than a week.  Seeing year, two year, three year, four…. You get my point… OLD avatars on this list leads me to believe that you’re merely forcing a personal vendetta to be acted out by your customers. (O.o)

Weak… Very weak. (=_=)

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That’s not the solution…

Posted on April 14, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

I done some upgrades to my computer lately.  Got me a nice fancy graphics card that’s behaving really nicely and a SSD, just to see what it’ll do.

The speed… Crazy and all. (^_^)

But…

Since I got this motherboard I’ve been facing bootup problems.  Not terrible.  Just, with my old hard drive, it would take a few resets before Windows started loading.  I’m a softie enough to overlook that.  As long as I knew how to start it, fine by me. (^_^)

But…

It wasn’t the same with the SSD.  Being a 1:1 image of my old drive, I had been assuming it’s a problem with the boot record.  So, I been spending a few minutes each day running different fixes for the MBR and different things to convince my

…. My cat just licked my cable modem… (O.o)

Anyway…

… I been trying to convince my computer that the drive is a nice drive and it should start using that one… To no avail. (T_T)

This morning, I started peeking around boxes to find the manual on my motherboard.  I didn’t find it, but, I did find the SATA cables that came with it and they were rather clearly marked “6GB” and I’m all, “oooooooooh”. (o.o)

So, the cables I had in there were from the old board and I just left things in place.  Is that a bad thing?  I didn’t think so at first.  Then I swapped them out. (o.O)

… And the bloody thing boots! Frigg’n $*()!&* I been dealing with this for months. DX

So, all the time I been convinced that it was an MBR issue since once it booted all was well. While, the whole time, it wound up being a bad or incompatible cable. (._.)

Kinda made me think.  A term I been surrounded with since going to therapy is “Coping methods”.  Sort of “Bad stuff is happening so I’ll do this that way and stuff will be fine.”

But, not always fine.

Often, really bad.

But, it worked in the past.

Then again, the bad stuff isn’t so bad now, right?

… And a whole run of odd logic trying to work things out.

Thing is, I have a lot of bad coping methods.  Most of which I’m only beginning to become aware of.  And, even being aware of them doesn’t convince me that changing them will help.  Each is a solution to something and often something I don’t understand.  Some of the ways I try to solve problems are bigger problems all their own.  It isn’t easy to know what’s what until the damage has been done.

Just like it took me months to recognize the bootup problem as troublesome enough to want to solve and weeks to try a number of solutions until it’s worked out… I’ve been going for years with coping methods that do no good.  Now, I’m in the middle of fixing things and I lack the a-ha moment which will put things in the straight and narrow.

Though, that moment might not be as simple as swapping out some cables.

If I had just left the computer alone, I’d have eventually had to deal with data corruption and possibly some bluescreens and the need to install all this stuff all over again…

Same goes for me.  My wires are crossed and the damage is being done.  I had a handful of really close friends who I could rely on to be around almost every day.  They were good to chat with and work with.  They were helpful when I needed help.  But, in leaving my crossed wires as they are for too long, things fell apart.  One after another, people went their own way, including myself somewhat.

I’m still having a tough time accepting what happened.  But, I still have some wires to fix.  Problem is, I don’t know what or where.  How many more times will I have to screw up before I find my way out?  I don’t know.

I miss my friends.  At one time, I had a handful of close friends and a list of people that I’d chat with only once in a while.  Now, all I have left is the list.  Maybe it’s my fault for not getting closer to people who are willing to be close.  But, I don’t know who’s who.  Plus, I’m afraid the whole mess will just happen all over again.  It’s very messy. (._.)

I don’t know what the solution is.  But, what I do know so far is that I’m finding many things that are not the solution.

Right now I’m scared out of my wits with people.  I spend almost every waking hour thinking about the friends I lost, what I could have done differently, and how better off they probably are since I’ve gone.  So much so that I’m finding it impossible to be able to distract myself or find someone else to attach to.

If I only knew what wires to swap.

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Her name was Shortie

Posted on March 17, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

So, I finally worked up the nerve to visit a pet place.  They had a section dedicated to arranging adoptions from the local shelter, including quite a few cats on display.  I was pretty much there before anyone else, so, I had the chance to prod at every cat without interruption.

I have this thing I do, it’s a good quick check to see if a cat is going to like me.  I poke them in the nose.  … Well, not really poke them, but, I put my finger close enough for them to give it a quick inspection.  Depending on the reaction I get, I have enough of an idea if this cat is okay with me or not.

2 cats in particular responded rather positively.  Socrates, a black&white cat with tons of energy and an odd penchant of sweeping the floor.  And, Shortie; a little calm one with a mix of tabby stripes and tortoise shell, seafoam green eyes, and (being a manx) no tail.

She quite calmly started rubbing on her cage bars, receptive to every scritch and scratch I had to offer.  Rolled around a bit.  Swatted at me a bit.  Really, all that little cat stuff that says “Hey! I like you.”

When the people from the shelter came in to bring more cats, I gave them a bit of space so that I wasn’t an obstacle.  While I was away, Shortie was making a bit of a racket.  I come back to poke at her some more and she slips right back into full on cuddles mode.

This is the cat I want.  A cat that likes me.

Enough time passed that the place was crowded and the staffers asked us all inside the room to come out so that some adopters can see if they get along with the cat the plan to adopt.  When the staffer got to me, she first poked at Shortie and told her she’s getting adopted.

Chills.

I whined with as much voice I generally use in public, “But ~I~ want Shortie~e~e…”

“Oh?  Well, there’s still a chance.  Who knows?”

So, I step out while a hyper little boy and his mom step in… The boy chanting “Shortie! Shortie! Shortie!” on his way in.  Obviously quite excited.

I watched from the other side of the large window as they played with her.  Mom showing her son how to be gentle.  The run her around a bit using a laser pointer.  She seemed reluctant to do things now that she was out of her cage.

I’d spend the near half-hour poking at the pets outside the cat room.  One particular cat being extremely reclusive.  A Chihuahua which… Pretty much did what those little ankle biters do.

I didn’t have a good idea who was on staff, who worked for the store, or who was shopping for a pet.  It was pretty much chaos.  The boy and his mother finally come out and they work on their adoption paperwork.  Finally they go outside for whatever, maybe an ATM or something.  I ask the lady who was handling the papers if they really were going to get Shortie.

They were.

Best I could do by then was just go.

That’s all.

 

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… And I rant…

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

“they arent pandering your nacisistic side? you shouldnt need to seek conformation your positives in their eyes, just trust that they have their views and are acting on them accordingly”

Imnotgoing:
Of course I shouldn’t. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been diagnosed with BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Look….
If you want to dig a hole, you use a shovel. But only if that hole is in sand, clay or soil.
If you want to put a hole in rock or cement, you’ll need some sort of chipper.
Now, maybe if the stone is soft enough, a shovel or pick will still leave a dent.
Now…
Look at it this way. You’ve spent your life digging holes in soil. All you know about is how to work a shovel.
And, that’s great. It digs just fine.
Now, you’ve struck a rock. It may be a soft rock which requires a pick or a hard one which requires more power. Either way, the rock is there.
Is this hole to plant a tree? Is there some hope that this hole is the right place for the right thing?
Well, you’ll have to dig it deep enough.
If you move on to another patch of soil and leave the hole behind, what will that hole become?
Please watch that video.
I’m not like everyone else.
I don’t manage compliments, insults, embraces, abandonments, stress, or relaxation in common ways.
I theoretically grew up in an environment that told me to be happy when I was mad, sad when I was happy, and angry if I was sad. I had to live with my feelings going unacknowledged.
You see someone mad First reaction: “Why can’t you just be happy?”
Well… because that someone is freaking mad!
It can be okay to say, “I understand why you’re mad”… Even if you don’t unerstand… Or, even try to understand.
That’s far more helpful than the typical response which to me sounds like “Your emotions are wrong.”
Really. I want to be a friend.
I don’t want to be some emotional dependant.
Nobody wants to treat me like an emotional dependant.
But, they still do treat me like that.
Maybe I’d stop using the crutches when I can go a day without them being shoved in my face.
I’m not the only one commiting harmful unconcious actions.
But, I am the one getting blamed for the whole mess.
So, here I am, abandoned, isolated, tossed aside.
I need to find that sappy emo-slideshow. There are some statements in it that really hit hard. It shows that I’m not alone because someone else gets treated as I do.
Difference being, I sulk and they make Youtube slideshows.
So, please understand.
Care for me or not, you (the big you, all of you) are doing it wrong. You all have put too much energy into countering my uncontrollable behaviours and you have exhausted yourselves.
Then the blame was placed on me.
QUITE WRONGFULLY SO!.
And now, except for you and a couple faceless voices scattered about the internet, I’m totally alone.
So, am I supposed to “just feel happy”?
Or is the standing request is that I need to change before anyone cares anymore?
Please understand.

 

~~I don’t know if I made any sense, but, I’m trying to.

watch?v=Do6owMR1hSY

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The whole thing

Posted on March 11, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

The more I read this, the more I can see why people can’t like me.

~~~

Dear Immy,

In the vastness of time and space there exists only slivers of opportunity to which we as individuals may address and interact with others. Some individuals grow close and others inevitably are driven apart through interests or choices made by both parties. These can be made intentionally, unintentionally, related, or separate.

What is Second Life? It is a social platform, a way to express yourself and a way to escape into being something different. Even if we take who we are and maintain that, often you have very flamboyant displays of individuality that is above and beyond what we can use in reality.

I have no problem with you, Immy. I never have. I always enjoyed speaking specifically to you. You can feel the grid in a technical way that I am not able to reproduce and see more of how things work than I can almost understand. You have far flung connections of rubbing elbows with groups of noteworthy individuals that I’d be too daunted to even face.

The spam attack was not you, but what is wrong with you. It is tragic you face that, but I also have no desire to read web pages about it. I know simply by hearing you descend when we converse, turning towards speaking of your problems or drawing attention to it; even if it is unconscious. Like somebody speaking about a wound they feel, a wound they focus on, unable to take their mind off of it.

It destroys all that you hope to gain. You need to quell it, silence it, fight it, or whatever you can to challenge the destruction it brings. You are effectively stuck in a world of your own creation, and constantly reminded of it, and constantly reminding others of it. It is the definition of instability. It possesses you like a demon, and causes you to do things you regret. It is you making those choices but it also is not you.

As another, separate individual, I must face the fact that I do not socialize to deal with your problems. We, as humans, can only carry so much burden that others face, and everyone, bar none, faces issues that challenge them on a daily basis. Happiness is quite literally relative; there is no formula quite for being entirely satisfied.

Facing what you face on a daily basis is tiring. It isn’t why I log on, it isn’t something I should have to deal with. The capacity at which I have patience for it is not infinite, and the more you try to care about it or change things, the more futile a gesture it seems to be. Dealing with your demons is stressful, when all I, and perhaps everyone wishes, is to have an enjoyable evening.

I want to believe you can change, that you will get better and return to you were when we met. But despite all you’ve said about doing, it only seems to be getting worse. I’d love to be your friend, as well, but that spam may only be a sign of things to come. You need to find peace with your problems. You need resolution. You need to get better. You cannot see the impact your actions and attitudes have on other individuals. You have to wake up that anything you do or say has meaning to those who associate with you. Like ripples in a pond. Did you know that your spam to Rune went to her phone? Every single character? I really hope she has a text plan; if you did that to my family’s phones it would have cost my parents about $30.

You didn’t mean to do that. You didn’t want to do that. But you’re not always in control. Really, pay attention to that Immy. You want friends, yet through your uncontrollable actions you seek to destroy those bridges and push others away. You want to be accepted, yet you purposely lurk on the outskirts of conversations and seek to be disruptive. Things grow quiet when you speak of your problems because it is an awkward thing to address, and a conversation few people would be able to respond to.

Can I trust you not to do something like that in the future? Can you trust yourself not to? You need to learn to control it. I can’t really blame Honoka for moving the island to Kris. You may have offered to support it financially, but your problems make you unpredictable.

Let me put it this way. In my world, in my mind, things are logical. The sun will rise in the east and set in the west. It will take me a minimum of 15 minutes by bus to get to the train and 25 minutes by train to get downtown. It will take me about 10 minutes to walk to the movie theater. I can also estimate for many factors. A freight train may hold the bus back for 10 to 15 minutes. The bus may not arrive for up half an hour to forty five minutes. The train may sit at the station or I may have to wait for a train to return from the loop. These are all logical deviations that can be accounted for.

You know my mother has a mental illness. You remind me of her, not in that you hear voices, but it throws a wrench in that logical world. My mother takes daily medicine to quiet the voices; but not entirely silence them. She still is paranoid, however. Despite all logic, she told me how she believes that old neighbors of ours bug our house when we are not home and sell the conversations we say to other people. I cannot tell you how glad I am that these people are no longer in our lives.

If you held a gun, I would be terrified. There would be many outcomes. You may shoot the floor. The walls. Random objects. Well, what about individuals? What about yourself? To me, it seems possible. You may find some reasoning which contradicts all others. For example, I know people do become suicidal. But I can never fathom how that would ever be a viable outcome. Life is irreplaceable for me, yet some people can rationalize death. The finality of never existing again. I would be terrified because I would not be able to predict what you would do. Not because you are a violent person, but because you cannot control your own reality.

It felt weird not having you around. On my contact lists. But it was also a weight off my shoulders. It was a stress I did not want to deal with, nor need to deal with. Not because you are a bad person. Not because I do not want to know you. But because of your problem.

I call it a self fulfilling prophecy. You know how that goes, correct? Somebody becomes so focused on the negative aspects, saying how they’ll fail or they’ll make a mistake that they consciously or unconsciously cause it to come true. Your problem makes you think there are all these other social problems, your insecurity amplifies it to the point where even a rock star would go deaf, and it causes the thing you fear to happen.

I’ll break down what happened the other day.

You began to, like a telemarketer or a Nigerian prince, began to spam everyone you knew to contact with junk. You were unable to stop yourself, and pretty much anybody receiving it logged off or blocked you. Why? Because it was spam. That is the only reason. You could have been hacked for all we knew. Then, you almost seemed to use this as confirmation that people hate you. You don’t want to drive people away, but by your hand you were purposely driving people away. But perhaps in your mind, when you saw this, I read your status message. “I have spent the last 4 hours copy-pasting almost 2000 characters of junk text to my friends here in Gtalk. They’ve been adding me to their ignore list one-by-one. Once I’m done, none of my best friends will like me anymore. “

The first sentence was a fact. You were copy-pasting junk. The second sentence describes the reaction to your action: people finding a way to stop the spam from coming in. If you have a leaking faucet, you cut the water so your bathroom doesn’t get soaked. The third sentence is your own version of reality. Scientifically, I’m sure you’ll find that people dislike spam. So sending spam? Not a good idea. But it doesn’t really mean people will dislike you for it. I personally got annoyed by it, then I was angry by your refusal to apologize. It is for the best? Seriously? All my energy and effort I’ve put into responding to all your problems and this is the net result? Are you surprised I was angry?

If people cannot understand your actions or behaviors, how do you think you can understand theirs? Do you ask them? Do you see how they feel about certain things you do? Do you try to adjust to make things better for them? What is for the best, Immy? That you get what you fear and nobody sticks by you? Well, doing stupid stuff like that will insure that. But not for any of the reasons your self doubt and self loathing create in your mind.

I needed you to apologize, for I was angry and had those emotions pent up inside me. You purposely logged off SL to avoid me. Then you responded with that brainwash-sounding line. And then you dropped offline. You spammed me, thus forcing me to ignore you. And then you wouldn’t speak to me. You action me. Me reaction to your action. So what did I do after you did that? I took you off my contact lists. I defriended you.

It is a serious pet peeve of mine to be ignored. I have had every single best friend I ever had in reality drop me like a piece of dirt in my past. So when you avoid me, you are directly attacking me. You might not have meant it, you might not have been able to control it, but you had a gun and you used it. I asked for a simple apology, and I was blown off.

This is not the first time such an action of yours has caused something awkward. People don’t want to have to deal with it. That is a simple fact. People will tolerate it to varying degrees. But it is something they shouldn’t have to. We all do stupid things. We all make mistakes. And hopefully, we grow from it. But I just witness you sliding deeper and deeper into a depression of your own making.

The clouds that darken the skies of your reality are created solely by you. The outside world is not causing it, and only responding to your actions in relation to it. You need to change. You must change. You have to, for the sake of yourself and others.

Right now, I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want to come online and be assaulted by spam or whatever else may happen. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you. Seeing you with Glass Gearz on the edge of conversation Doll Works, bringing Imnotgoing to Doll Works and Dollie. Following us around to try to dwell on negativity or bring attention to that.

I’m not sure I forgive you. I’m not sure you are even to blame. I’m aware that you want to have friends and have a group to go to and find happiness in chatting and socializing. I’m aware you are trying to fight it, trying to change your medication and trying therapy in group and/or individually. Right now, I simply do not wish to deal with it. I haven’t ignored you, and I’d rather not have to. If you abuse that, then you’ll leave me with no choice but to ignore you. Fix your issues. Deal with them. Get over your problems. And let me know. Your reality is askew, I’d start with fixing that. Try to empathize with those around you, consider them and realize that the only darkness is often harbored within yourself.

This is the result. I am not contacts with you for right now. I miss the old Immy. The not so crazy one. But it is hard for me to trust you when you cannot control your actions. You need to clear your mind. You need to take a deep breath and chill out. You need to surrender your insecurities and put to rest those nagging doubts in your head. Or else you simply will continue to spiral down a self-destructive path, hurting those you care about as you flail around fighting yourself. It is painful to watch, and painful to be caught in the effects of it.

So, that is that. If you can clear your head and change, contact me. I hope you don’t lurk in a sim by yourself purposely feeling sorry for yourself and seeming like a creepy stalker however. If we are naturally in chat range that is fine. I’m not especially avoiding you but I’m not going to seek you out nor be a tool to make you feel sorry for yourself.

Yes, if you fix your problem, let me know. But right now? I’m going to steer clear of the crossfire. I may reach out to you later on, on my own, if I do not hear from you, but I also may not. I’m sorry Immy, but I can’t sacrifice my own enjoyment of my evenings to deal with your problems. Your spam occurred after a week of me being miserably sick. I had no food at that point so I was cranky. I log in and the first thing that happened was that. And then I spent the rest of the day thinking about it until finally gave up and removed you as a contact. So all that baggage you carry around? I’m not interested in that right now, and I don’t want to hear about it, unless it is good news.

Despite how harsh this sounds, I really do hope you conquer it. To me, my own ‘for the best’ situation is you gain perspective, clarity, and unburden your soul from those chains that weigh you down. In other words, that you quell the negative voices in your head that only results in people stepping back from you or forcing you to push those who want to associate with you away. I want that to happen. I want to talk to you like a normal human being talks to any other. But I have my own life to deal with, and for now yours is too much for me to handle too. I do care, and that is what makes it hard. Do you think I write ^ this much for somebody I don’t care about? The answer is no. I don’t write this idly or maliciously. I simply wish to explain my situation and where I am coming from.

I wish you the best, Immy. I hope to associate with you again in the future. At many times you have been very friendly, very cheerful, and somebody I have logged into Second Life purposely and exclusively to chat with. You have been wise and knowledgeable and very helpful for many aspects to me. I have learned things I may never have from you. I just do not have the energy to deal with this right now. I do not do this lightly, for I value friendship, and value your friendship, and I want all the friends I can manage. So I implore you, Immy. Find a way to solve your issue without hurting yourself or others. Everyone has tried to show you differently, but no matter what we say or do or try to do you do not hear it or cannot change on our words or advice alone. That is frustrating for everyone, I’m sure, because it is for me. It is a problem only you can confront and fix. And we all come equipped with the greatest tool known to mankind to solve such problems. Even though that is where your problem resides. You are strong, intelligent, and likable. You help others and I know you ultimately only want to have a fun and enjoyable time. Find a solution. Fix yourself, for everyone’s sake, but most especially your own.

You are the most valuable person to your world. You are your own center of that world. Love yourself, and treat others as you yourself would want to be treated. To my own view, the solution is clear as day: release your burdens, and let your worries drift away. Live in the present and find solace in the beauty of the precious time that is ever passing. Note your value, and the value of others, and realize how alike we all are, and how simple everyone’s desires are. Very few who speak to you mean you harm in their actions or think ill of you. You need to see the sun again, Immy, and not just the overcast sky. All you need is change. Change yourself. Change how you view the world. Change how you think about the world. You will find serenity. I really hope you can.

~~~

This is why people can’t like me.

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Can someone tell me where I went wrong here?

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways
This is the one person who responded positively to the letter I sent last week.
I was in Eve, looking at my character sheet, noticing that the corp I’m in is owned by one of the people who have totally blacked me out.  So, I go to Gtalk…
5:16 PM me: Hi.
  Does the corporation in Eve get used for anything anymore?
5:17 PM Kei: No, but Honoka worked hard to make it
 me: Honoka doesn’t like me anymore.
5:18 PM So far, you and Ayame have been the only ones to respond. You’re the only positive response.
5:22 PM Would it be better for me to stay in the corporation or leave it? I don’t know Honoka’s preference since she refuses to speak to me.
 Kei: Up to you
5:24 PM me: If it were up to me, we’d all be gathered at my place and sharing latex/pvc outfit ideas.
5:25 PM I’ve had the biggest problem with that phrase. Half the time being told I only think of myself and the other half being told “It’s up to you”.
5:26 PM In the end, I’m always the bad/selfish/abusive one.
 Kei: So, in the past week, you’ve deteriorated from sharing kitten and panda videos with me to once again doing nothing but blathering about drama
  Go back and read logs, you’ll see what I mean
5:27 PM I’m not going to be your therapist, I have my own problems
  And I’m tired of being dragged into them
 me: You just caused it. I’M the one draged in by your “Up to you”.
 Kei: Then leave
5:28 PM By the way, I’m not the cause of your problems
  And I’m not about to become a scapegoat again
**At this point, I was put on ignore.
Where did I go wrong?
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