I’m not shy… (._.)

I’m only recently coming to a realization.  I’m still confused but I’ve had difficulty making sense of myself for quite a while.  My best guess for myself is that I’m not shy.  Neither am I an introvert.  I want to talk with people, make friends, and be in the crowds.  But that’s where things fall apart. (>_<)

If you ain’t seen it, here’s what I say in my profile…

I’m not as outgoing as I may seem. I’m actually dealing with quite a bit of social anxiety. I tend to do well on forums and crowded groups. I can just sort of “be there” without demanding any one person’s focus or having any one person in my focus.

Usually when faced with any one-on-one contact, I can get very tense.

I don’t roleplay. Not that I can’t or I won’t. I just don’t. The kinds of interactions that come with roleplay trigger some of my worst

If I’m not sending IMs or even not responding to IMs I get, it’s not because I don’t want to talk. It’s more likely that I’m just afraid and probably over-thinking a lot of things. The more I consider you a friend, the more I tend to over-think things.

This doesn’t grant me a free pass to be a jerk. If I am being a jerk, feel free to call me out on it.

Long story, short: I’m not ignoring you. If you have been my friend, you still are my friend. My silence is a matter of anxiety and fear.

Please don’t misunderstand.

… and that covers it. (._.)

See, the thing is the more time I’m spending with people, the higher my anxiety drives.  The worst parts of my mind take over and I start seeking out a means of escape.  Not knowing whether my presence or absence would be more of a burden to others, I can really start to freak out inside… And that’s even after I’ve found a way to be around people. (>_<)

Getting there can be the hardest part.  For anyone who follows my profile feed, it can be too difficult to notice that a majority of my pictures come from my room in my main SL house.  Odds are, I’m really actually waiting.  I can see a person or two on my friends list who I’d really like to visit.  But as much as I want to, I just can’t get beyond myself to reach out to them.  So, I’m stuck.  At the same time, I’m being an indirect burden by holding this expectation that they’d reach out to me.  So, it’s like a lose-lose.  If I’m with them, I’m a burden through the tension I build around me.  If I’m away, I’m a burden because they know I’m here but unsure of where I really want to be. (._.)

All in all, I make for a pretty horrid friend.  Worst of all, I don’t even know what to do about it.  I’ve been to social anxiety group therapy where I basically learned that the anxiety I feel while in the group interferes with the intended treatment of the anxiety I’m there for in the first place. (>_<)

I’m sure this makes me annoying to be around and likely due to the bulk of pictures in my profile coming from one cluttered little room.  If I could find a way to be better for the people I want to be around, I’d take it. (._.)

I’m not shy.  I’m just freaking out. (._.)

About Imnotgoing Sideways

I'm a Second Life avatar with my own cookie jar! (^_^)y
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3 Responses to I’m not shy… (._.)

  1. Vick Forcella says:

    For you it appears you are the only one that feels that way. Many feel that way and deal with it in a similar matter.
    I have included just a few people to be on my “attention list”. When they come on-line I give them all my attention. That sorta describes my RP too.
    I have fears to contact others, even on my friends list. I think they are busy doing stuffs and that an IM from me upsets their busyness.
    The difference is, you freak out, a bit, where I think each time I look at my friends log-on and do nothing, I had a missed chance of having a great time.

  2. Nic Writer says:

    Hi, Immy! I’m not sure you’ll remember me, but I used to be kinda active in the old SL Forums, and a member of the Forum Cartel. Didn’t hang out much, mostly soloed, but I remember you.

    I’m not able to be active in SL any more, because it’s not compatible with certain software I have to use–long story–but I swing your blog once in a blue moon just to see how you are and what you’re up to.

    I got nothin’ to offer but sympathy–to a much lesser degree, I feel your social pain. But fwiw, I think you’re a pretty neat person and hope you’re able to reach an equilibrium. Keep on keepin’ on!

    Best, Nic

  3. Alessa says:

    Learn the ways of the Force you must…♥

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