Heavy

Posted on April 30, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

That’s how things feel right now.  Heavy.

Gladly I’m treading water just above my usual self-destructive rut.  I’m not feeling well, but, I’m also not looking longingly at sections of rope.

My friendships, what they were, I still don’t know how to handle.  No matter what I do, I still think about the people who were right here with me for 3 years, only to part ways in 1 day.  It’s not what I wanted, but they’re being firm.  I clearly have no say in the matter from here on out.

Then comes the question of ‘who’s next’?

A lot of people are being friendly but for some reason I haven’t found friends yet.  I appreciate everyone and their kindness but I don’t know who to take in like I did in the past.  So far, I simply remain afraid of everyone.

I’ve been using group chats and forums as an outlet, but, those are all superficial links with people.  Not unlike co-workers.  There because they’re there and no real solid bond.

I’m seeing other friends dealing with such loss and confusion.  I don’t have a clear mental snapshot of all that’s going on, but I smell hostility.  Unneeded hostility.  Something that only adds more weight to an already heavy situation.

I can only assume.

It’s late.

I just felt like I had something to say.

I’m not quite sure if I’ve said anything just now.

I’ll post it anyway.

 

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Can I?

Posted on April 27, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

Where I stand right now, I have two kinds of friendships.
1) People I keep at a distance and barely attempt to relate to.
2) People I got close to… Too close… So close that they’ve grown to resent me and have since cut off all ties.

So, with my close friends gone, I’m left alone. But, not alone. But, still feeling alone. The people who will still talk with me are distant. I can’t find anything in common. I can’t find a way or reason to attach to them like I did my last circle of close friends.

Really, I want my old close friends back. I miss them and I think about them every waking moment of the day. We shared so much and did so many things. Suddenly, one too many dramas and I’m kicked to the curb by the lot of them.

I don’t expect them to come back. But, how can I find another friendship like I had with them? Everyone I know now is happy to be distanced from me and I’m afraid to hurt people again.

Is it possible for me to find and keep this kind of relationship?

For now; I have my internet, my meds, and my cat. I feel fine in spite of constantly wondering about things passed. I have friends to a limit. I want to break that limit and be close to someone again.

No clue what to do.

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Open letter to Voodoo – Just say’n

Posted on April 19, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

Hi,

You may know me from such griefy escapades as… Uhm… Uh…

Well, for one, you don’t know me.

For another, I don’t grief. (^_^)

So, why…

http://vudu.sl/Help/SecondLifeGriefers

^^ … am I on this list? (=_=)

Since my name is on it, I’ll claim the list as my property and copy it here. =^-^=

1100painter Arado, 25SmartiesInDerKurve Resident, 62990Celine Moonbeam, 8lc Coy, Aakkron Salamander, Aar Kondor, Abra Zabelin, ace Ireto, AdamFORevaR Faith, Adamus Inglewood, Adamx Addens, ADe91 Resident, Adeena Szapira, adiana Gothly, Adrianea Resident, Aelaina Acacia, Ahlexander Resident, Aiko Carami, Aileen Resident, Ailsa Muliaina, Aimee Dash, Aimi Sugarplum, Aine Philly, Airborne Ranger, Akasha Zenoria, Akihime Aie, Ako Resident, Alain Jupiter, Alan Fitzhugh, Alectra Breen, Alenashka Resident, alexa07 Resident, AlexaMonroe Resident, Alexandra Sadovnycha, Alexandria Alexandre, Alexeiev Laryukov, alexeroga Resident, Alicia Bellecoeur, Alicia Edring, Alina Vayandar, Alizee Cerise, AlleyStar Resident, Allyne Clip, Almatheea VanDouser, alpimhexe Resident, Alpinhexe Resident, Alsoran Luminos, altperson Resident, AMADEUS Galicia, Amadeus Ghanduhar, American Deed, Amethyst Viper, amie Catnap, Amore Euler, anaelle Cyriac, Anastasia Howlett, andromeda Oxygen, angel Sparrowhawk, Angelia 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Tesseract Resident, TexasKitten Resident, Thaden Tiratzo, The2Lover resident, TheBestEver Resident, Thomas Conover, ThomasKlaus McDonnell, Thraxas Steamweaver, THX138 Resident, Tianna Poleni, Tigerloona Resident, Tim Taurion, Tina Engineer, titemarion Resident, Tlanamai Placebo, Toby Sugarplum, Tomsie Resident, Torben Scatter, Toronto Grantly, Total Serenity, Trace Frenburg, Tracy019 Resident, Trance12 Farquart, Trash Chesnokov, Treminari Huet, Trent Glom, Tricky Daines, Trina Singh, Trix Lennier, tucho Azalee, Tweetybird Runner, twilightmom22 Resident, txell Blaisdale, TylerRose Nexen, Tyn Ishelwood, Tyrone Breil, Uarsaset Shamen, Ultra Shuffle, Undine Collinson, Unya Tigerfish, Urfin Vacano, USOMAD Resident, Utauloid Resident, Vacquero Mondalimare, Valentino Steamer, Valeseth Resident, Valkyrie Spearsong, vanessas Quixote, Vanitis Coeur, Vara Coy, Vasileios Nikolaidis, Velvet Bikcin, Vexy Juran, Vick Auggers, Victor1st Mornington, VictoriaaSweetHeart Resident, Viento Avril, vinaik Resident, Vinney Breen, viscountdegruchy Resident, Vitton Hermit, Vittor DeVinna, Vittor Theas, VivianneLee Resident, Vixen Footpad, Vulnavia Dubrovna, vulvus McConach, VynezShiek Resident, wade Cadell, Waleis Moseley, Walkingmoon86 Resident, Wantus Visage, WaterAngel Inglewood, Weard Welty, Whisper Minotaur, Wil Parx, Will Gainey, Willow Rootcreeper, Willow Seljan, wimperchen Resident, WinthorpeFoghorn Zinnemann, Wolf Iredia, Wolf Morane, Woman Wonder, Woody Yue, Wotan Nobilis, XandraXX Resident, XantheRose Resident, Xelyn Xaris, Xena Renfold, Xerxes Jigsaw, xHeartlessDarkheartx Resident, Yahemin Zamora, yanchie19 Resident, yano Resident, Yasmine Delvalle, Yauvani Navarathna, Yema Harvy, YokiFish Resident, Yume Nakajima, YummYGuU Evermore, yupmo Xue, YvetteSpry Resident, Zacek Anton, zafir Resident, zalliah Resident, Zanis Bardenboar, Zara Straaf, Zardoz Morane, Zavos Resident, ZenMondo Wormser, Zeno Zoilin, Zeudi Aichi, Zia Thibedeau, zina Jules, Zulis Arun, Zuri Hadisson, Zuri Omizu, ZZeee Zaftig

Mind you.  This is a long list.  I had assumed that griefing was against the TOS and people got banned from SL for it.  In fact, in addressing griefings on locations I serve as officer, I haven’t seen a griefing committed by an avatar any older than a week.  Seeing year, two year, three year, four…. You get my point… OLD avatars on this list leads me to believe that you’re merely forcing a personal vendetta to be acted out by your customers. (O.o)

Weak… Very weak. (=_=)

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That’s not the solution…

Posted on April 14, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

I done some upgrades to my computer lately.  Got me a nice fancy graphics card that’s behaving really nicely and a SSD, just to see what it’ll do.

The speed… Crazy and all. (^_^)

But…

Since I got this motherboard I’ve been facing bootup problems.  Not terrible.  Just, with my old hard drive, it would take a few resets before Windows started loading.  I’m a softie enough to overlook that.  As long as I knew how to start it, fine by me. (^_^)

But…

It wasn’t the same with the SSD.  Being a 1:1 image of my old drive, I had been assuming it’s a problem with the boot record.  So, I been spending a few minutes each day running different fixes for the MBR and different things to convince my

…. My cat just licked my cable modem… (O.o)

Anyway…

… I been trying to convince my computer that the drive is a nice drive and it should start using that one… To no avail. (T_T)

This morning, I started peeking around boxes to find the manual on my motherboard.  I didn’t find it, but, I did find the SATA cables that came with it and they were rather clearly marked “6GB” and I’m all, “oooooooooh”. (o.o)

So, the cables I had in there were from the old board and I just left things in place.  Is that a bad thing?  I didn’t think so at first.  Then I swapped them out. (o.O)

… And the bloody thing boots! Frigg’n $*()!&* I been dealing with this for months. DX

So, all the time I been convinced that it was an MBR issue since once it booted all was well. While, the whole time, it wound up being a bad or incompatible cable. (._.)

Kinda made me think.  A term I been surrounded with since going to therapy is “Coping methods”.  Sort of “Bad stuff is happening so I’ll do this that way and stuff will be fine.”

But, not always fine.

Often, really bad.

But, it worked in the past.

Then again, the bad stuff isn’t so bad now, right?

… And a whole run of odd logic trying to work things out.

Thing is, I have a lot of bad coping methods.  Most of which I’m only beginning to become aware of.  And, even being aware of them doesn’t convince me that changing them will help.  Each is a solution to something and often something I don’t understand.  Some of the ways I try to solve problems are bigger problems all their own.  It isn’t easy to know what’s what until the damage has been done.

Just like it took me months to recognize the bootup problem as troublesome enough to want to solve and weeks to try a number of solutions until it’s worked out… I’ve been going for years with coping methods that do no good.  Now, I’m in the middle of fixing things and I lack the a-ha moment which will put things in the straight and narrow.

Though, that moment might not be as simple as swapping out some cables.

If I had just left the computer alone, I’d have eventually had to deal with data corruption and possibly some bluescreens and the need to install all this stuff all over again…

Same goes for me.  My wires are crossed and the damage is being done.  I had a handful of really close friends who I could rely on to be around almost every day.  They were good to chat with and work with.  They were helpful when I needed help.  But, in leaving my crossed wires as they are for too long, things fell apart.  One after another, people went their own way, including myself somewhat.

I’m still having a tough time accepting what happened.  But, I still have some wires to fix.  Problem is, I don’t know what or where.  How many more times will I have to screw up before I find my way out?  I don’t know.

I miss my friends.  At one time, I had a handful of close friends and a list of people that I’d chat with only once in a while.  Now, all I have left is the list.  Maybe it’s my fault for not getting closer to people who are willing to be close.  But, I don’t know who’s who.  Plus, I’m afraid the whole mess will just happen all over again.  It’s very messy. (._.)

I don’t know what the solution is.  But, what I do know so far is that I’m finding many things that are not the solution.

Right now I’m scared out of my wits with people.  I spend almost every waking hour thinking about the friends I lost, what I could have done differently, and how better off they probably are since I’ve gone.  So much so that I’m finding it impossible to be able to distract myself or find someone else to attach to.

If I only knew what wires to swap.

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Her name was Shortie

Posted on March 17, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

So, I finally worked up the nerve to visit a pet place.  They had a section dedicated to arranging adoptions from the local shelter, including quite a few cats on display.  I was pretty much there before anyone else, so, I had the chance to prod at every cat without interruption.

I have this thing I do, it’s a good quick check to see if a cat is going to like me.  I poke them in the nose.  … Well, not really poke them, but, I put my finger close enough for them to give it a quick inspection.  Depending on the reaction I get, I have enough of an idea if this cat is okay with me or not.

2 cats in particular responded rather positively.  Socrates, a black&white cat with tons of energy and an odd penchant of sweeping the floor.  And, Shortie; a little calm one with a mix of tabby stripes and tortoise shell, seafoam green eyes, and (being a manx) no tail.

She quite calmly started rubbing on her cage bars, receptive to every scritch and scratch I had to offer.  Rolled around a bit.  Swatted at me a bit.  Really, all that little cat stuff that says “Hey! I like you.”

When the people from the shelter came in to bring more cats, I gave them a bit of space so that I wasn’t an obstacle.  While I was away, Shortie was making a bit of a racket.  I come back to poke at her some more and she slips right back into full on cuddles mode.

This is the cat I want.  A cat that likes me.

Enough time passed that the place was crowded and the staffers asked us all inside the room to come out so that some adopters can see if they get along with the cat the plan to adopt.  When the staffer got to me, she first poked at Shortie and told her she’s getting adopted.

Chills.

I whined with as much voice I generally use in public, “But ~I~ want Shortie~e~e…”

“Oh?  Well, there’s still a chance.  Who knows?”

So, I step out while a hyper little boy and his mom step in… The boy chanting “Shortie! Shortie! Shortie!” on his way in.  Obviously quite excited.

I watched from the other side of the large window as they played with her.  Mom showing her son how to be gentle.  The run her around a bit using a laser pointer.  She seemed reluctant to do things now that she was out of her cage.

I’d spend the near half-hour poking at the pets outside the cat room.  One particular cat being extremely reclusive.  A Chihuahua which… Pretty much did what those little ankle biters do.

I didn’t have a good idea who was on staff, who worked for the store, or who was shopping for a pet.  It was pretty much chaos.  The boy and his mother finally come out and they work on their adoption paperwork.  Finally they go outside for whatever, maybe an ATM or something.  I ask the lady who was handling the papers if they really were going to get Shortie.

They were.

Best I could do by then was just go.

That’s all.

 

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… And I rant…

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Imnotgoing Sideways

“they arent pandering your nacisistic side? you shouldnt need to seek conformation your positives in their eyes, just trust that they have their views and are acting on them accordingly”

Imnotgoing:
Of course I shouldn’t. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been diagnosed with BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Look….
If you want to dig a hole, you use a shovel. But only if that hole is in sand, clay or soil.
If you want to put a hole in rock or cement, you’ll need some sort of chipper.
Now, maybe if the stone is soft enough, a shovel or pick will still leave a dent.
Now…
Look at it this way. You’ve spent your life digging holes in soil. All you know about is how to work a shovel.
And, that’s great. It digs just fine.
Now, you’ve struck a rock. It may be a soft rock which requires a pick or a hard one which requires more power. Either way, the rock is there.
Is this hole to plant a tree? Is there some hope that this hole is the right place for the right thing?
Well, you’ll have to dig it deep enough.
If you move on to another patch of soil and leave the hole behind, what will that hole become?
Please watch that video.
I’m not like everyone else.
I don’t manage compliments, insults, embraces, abandonments, stress, or relaxation in common ways.
I theoretically grew up in an environment that told me to be happy when I was mad, sad when I was happy, and angry if I was sad. I had to live with my feelings going unacknowledged.
You see someone mad First reaction: “Why can’t you just be happy?”
Well… because that someone is freaking mad!
It can be okay to say, “I understand why you’re mad”… Even if you don’t unerstand… Or, even try to understand.
That’s far more helpful than the typical response which to me sounds like “Your emotions are wrong.”
Really. I want to be a friend.
I don’t want to be some emotional dependant.
Nobody wants to treat me like an emotional dependant.
But, they still do treat me like that.
Maybe I’d stop using the crutches when I can go a day without them being shoved in my face.
I’m not the only one commiting harmful unconcious actions.
But, I am the one getting blamed for the whole mess.
So, here I am, abandoned, isolated, tossed aside.
I need to find that sappy emo-slideshow. There are some statements in it that really hit hard. It shows that I’m not alone because someone else gets treated as I do.
Difference being, I sulk and they make Youtube slideshows.
So, please understand.
Care for me or not, you (the big you, all of you) are doing it wrong. You all have put too much energy into countering my uncontrollable behaviours and you have exhausted yourselves.
Then the blame was placed on me.
QUITE WRONGFULLY SO!.
And now, except for you and a couple faceless voices scattered about the internet, I’m totally alone.
So, am I supposed to “just feel happy”?
Or is the standing request is that I need to change before anyone cares anymore?
Please understand.

 

~~I don’t know if I made any sense, but, I’m trying to.

watch?v=Do6owMR1hSY

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