… And I rant…

“they arent pandering your nacisistic side? you shouldnt need to seek conformation your positives in their eyes, just trust that they have their views and are acting on them accordingly”

Of course I shouldn’t. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been diagnosed with BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
If you want to dig a hole, you use a shovel. But only if that hole is in sand, clay or soil.
If you want to put a hole in rock or cement, you’ll need some sort of chipper.
Now, maybe if the stone is soft enough, a shovel or pick will still leave a dent.
Look at it this way. You’ve spent your life digging holes in soil. All you know about is how to work a shovel.
And, that’s great. It digs just fine.
Now, you’ve struck a rock. It may be a soft rock which requires a pick or a hard one which requires more power. Either way, the rock is there.
Is this hole to plant a tree? Is there some hope that this hole is the right place for the right thing?
Well, you’ll have to dig it deep enough.
If you move on to another patch of soil and leave the hole behind, what will that hole become?
Please watch that video.
I’m not like everyone else.
I don’t manage compliments, insults, embraces, abandonments, stress, or relaxation in common ways.
I theoretically grew up in an environment that told me to be happy when I was mad, sad when I was happy, and angry if I was sad. I had to live with my feelings going unacknowledged.
You see someone mad First reaction: “Why can’t you just be happy?”
Well… because that someone is freaking mad!
It can be okay to say, “I understand why you’re mad”… Even if you don’t unerstand… Or, even try to understand.
That’s far more helpful than the typical response which to me sounds like “Your emotions are wrong.”
Really. I want to be a friend.
I don’t want to be some emotional dependant.
Nobody wants to treat me like an emotional dependant.
But, they still do treat me like that.
Maybe I’d stop using the crutches when I can go a day without them being shoved in my face.
I’m not the only one commiting harmful unconcious actions.
But, I am the one getting blamed for the whole mess.
So, here I am, abandoned, isolated, tossed aside.
I need to find that sappy emo-slideshow. There are some statements in it that really hit hard. It shows that I’m not alone because someone else gets treated as I do.
Difference being, I sulk and they make Youtube slideshows.
So, please understand.
Care for me or not, you (the big you, all of you) are doing it wrong. You all have put too much energy into countering my uncontrollable behaviours and you have exhausted yourselves.
Then the blame was placed on me.
And now, except for you and a couple faceless voices scattered about the internet, I’m totally alone.
So, am I supposed to “just feel happy”?
Or is the standing request is that I need to change before anyone cares anymore?
Please understand.


~~I don’t know if I made any sense, but, I’m trying to.


About Imnotgoing Sideways

I'm a Second Life avatar with my own cookie jar! (^_^)y
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6 Responses to … And I rant…

  1. Dale Innis says:

    That was a good video. Part of what you said struck me as especially key, also, ‘It can be okay to say, “I understand why you’re mad”… Even if you don’t unerstand… Or, even try to understand.’. Or maybe “I don’t actually understand why you’re mad, but it’s okay that you are”? :) That goes along with what the guy said on the video, about being accepting, and being a safe place.

    I’ve found that people in general, and people under stress or with self-image problems, and I imagine that includes BPD pretty strongly, but really everyone at least sometimes, really needs someone to just nod and smile and say “yeah, I see that you feel that way, that’s fine, tell me more” or whatever. Just to be accepting, and open to however it is you are being, I am being, at the time. It’s such a nice thing, just to have permission to be whoever you are at the time…

    Related to why we love SL so much maybe. :)

  2. sandra says:

    I liked the bit at the end about the Punitive Parent Mode which makes you unable to accept compliments because I know your friends (when you had any) spend half their time trying to reassure you. Pity you couldn’t spend time with the guy in the video who seems to have had BPD himself and seems very intelligent and understanding. But watching this and all the stuff below all i can think of to say is, jeez, what a fucking mess.

    • Imnotgoing Sideways says:

      I pretty much feel like I’m where I belong right now. I don’t like it and I complain a lot, but, it’s my place. I’m pretty sure everyone is better off while I’m here. The whole matter of making friends was a superficial and selfish act by me. I had a lot of fun at the expense of others and it’s due time for me to get what I deserve.

      • Gem says:

        »The whole matter of making friends was a superficial and selfish act by me. I had a lot of fun at the expense of others and it’s due time for me to get what I deserve.« — says you while being in WHICH mode? ;)

        For one: Being alone and abandoned is nothing anyone deserves (except for really severe reasons, like crimes against the life and physical well-being of others)
        Though on the other hand, this becoming a hermit every time a problem appears, and dismissing every attempt of others to help and build you up again is something I’m as guilty of. To be honest, if I weren’t on painkillers these days (fighting my RSI) I would be on anti-depressants. Both my doc and my therapist urged me to not even think about using both at once. So guess how I feel? Not able to write/draw/build as much as I used to, not able to immerse and be friend as much as I used to due to the depression hitting home again without the happy pills? I’ve been a hermit since I had to exchange the antidepressants for painkillers, and yes, sometimes I also feel I’m where I belong. There are times when I also feel to be nothing but a burden for others, that it’s selfish of me to even try to return to what seemed to be normal. Job and side-jobs? Appreciation? Friends? Even Customers buying builds made by me? Nothing of that is for LOSERS.
        But then there are times when I hate myself for thinking that bad of me, and think that my friends and family and acquaintances must hate me too for it, and I’m surprised and confused when they don’t.
        Sounds pretty familiar, does it? Yes I do understand you. Too well, to be honest. That’s why I KNOW that it’s goods for people like us to have friends, to have safe harbors to go to. To not have to be a hermit. Because losers who have to be abandoned we’re NOT, no matter what that punitive part of us is saying.
        Immy, I think you can be proud of what you’ve gained so far. Even though there’s still a long way to go.
        Nobody is impeccable. Not even the most stable ones.

  3. sandra says:

    This makes me feel like the time I hit a beautiful blackbird in my car. It lay in the road with one wing practically torn off and it was bleeding and opening and closing it’s yellow beak but making not a sound. I didn’t know what to do then, either. So I got back in the car and ran it over.

  4. Vick says:

    Dear Immy,
    As it turns out, not others are responsible how you feel. There is only one in control about that.
    Your condition is not strange, I think many in the world you like to call home are similar. So, your reaction is not strange, it is expected, almost predicted.
    No matter what we do or say will help you. Even if all would stand around and hug you, even “the” one. It would not help. Odd thing is, you know that.
    Try and do what SL is made for, and do it in RL too. Have fun. You will like it. Will take some time, ok. But think of the reward, a big smile on your face :)
    I hug you in the most hateful way:)

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