The more I read this, the more I can see why people can’t like me.
In the vastness of time and space there exists only slivers of opportunity to which we as individuals may address and interact with others. Some individuals grow close and others inevitably are driven apart through interests or choices made by both parties. These can be made intentionally, unintentionally, related, or separate.
What is Second Life? It is a social platform, a way to express yourself and a way to escape into being something different. Even if we take who we are and maintain that, often you have very flamboyant displays of individuality that is above and beyond what we can use in reality.
I have no problem with you, Immy. I never have. I always enjoyed speaking specifically to you. You can feel the grid in a technical way that I am not able to reproduce and see more of how things work than I can almost understand. You have far flung connections of rubbing elbows with groups of noteworthy individuals that I’d be too daunted to even face.
The spam attack was not you, but what is wrong with you. It is tragic you face that, but I also have no desire to read web pages about it. I know simply by hearing you descend when we converse, turning towards speaking of your problems or drawing attention to it; even if it is unconscious. Like somebody speaking about a wound they feel, a wound they focus on, unable to take their mind off of it.
It destroys all that you hope to gain. You need to quell it, silence it, fight it, or whatever you can to challenge the destruction it brings. You are effectively stuck in a world of your own creation, and constantly reminded of it, and constantly reminding others of it. It is the definition of instability. It possesses you like a demon, and causes you to do things you regret. It is you making those choices but it also is not you.
As another, separate individual, I must face the fact that I do not socialize to deal with your problems. We, as humans, can only carry so much burden that others face, and everyone, bar none, faces issues that challenge them on a daily basis. Happiness is quite literally relative; there is no formula quite for being entirely satisfied.
Facing what you face on a daily basis is tiring. It isn’t why I log on, it isn’t something I should have to deal with. The capacity at which I have patience for it is not infinite, and the more you try to care about it or change things, the more futile a gesture it seems to be. Dealing with your demons is stressful, when all I, and perhaps everyone wishes, is to have an enjoyable evening.
I want to believe you can change, that you will get better and return to you were when we met. But despite all you’ve said about doing, it only seems to be getting worse. I’d love to be your friend, as well, but that spam may only be a sign of things to come. You need to find peace with your problems. You need resolution. You need to get better. You cannot see the impact your actions and attitudes have on other individuals. You have to wake up that anything you do or say has meaning to those who associate with you. Like ripples in a pond. Did you know that your spam to Rune went to her phone? Every single character? I really hope she has a text plan; if you did that to my family’s phones it would have cost my parents about $30.
You didn’t mean to do that. You didn’t want to do that. But you’re not always in control. Really, pay attention to that Immy. You want friends, yet through your uncontrollable actions you seek to destroy those bridges and push others away. You want to be accepted, yet you purposely lurk on the outskirts of conversations and seek to be disruptive. Things grow quiet when you speak of your problems because it is an awkward thing to address, and a conversation few people would be able to respond to.
Can I trust you not to do something like that in the future? Can you trust yourself not to? You need to learn to control it. I can’t really blame Honoka for moving the island to Kris. You may have offered to support it financially, but your problems make you unpredictable.
Let me put it this way. In my world, in my mind, things are logical. The sun will rise in the east and set in the west. It will take me a minimum of 15 minutes by bus to get to the train and 25 minutes by train to get downtown. It will take me about 10 minutes to walk to the movie theater. I can also estimate for many factors. A freight train may hold the bus back for 10 to 15 minutes. The bus may not arrive for up half an hour to forty five minutes. The train may sit at the station or I may have to wait for a train to return from the loop. These are all logical deviations that can be accounted for.
You know my mother has a mental illness. You remind me of her, not in that you hear voices, but it throws a wrench in that logical world. My mother takes daily medicine to quiet the voices; but not entirely silence them. She still is paranoid, however. Despite all logic, she told me how she believes that old neighbors of ours bug our house when we are not home and sell the conversations we say to other people. I cannot tell you how glad I am that these people are no longer in our lives.
If you held a gun, I would be terrified. There would be many outcomes. You may shoot the floor. The walls. Random objects. Well, what about individuals? What about yourself? To me, it seems possible. You may find some reasoning which contradicts all others. For example, I know people do become suicidal. But I can never fathom how that would ever be a viable outcome. Life is irreplaceable for me, yet some people can rationalize death. The finality of never existing again. I would be terrified because I would not be able to predict what you would do. Not because you are a violent person, but because you cannot control your own reality.
It felt weird not having you around. On my contact lists. But it was also a weight off my shoulders. It was a stress I did not want to deal with, nor need to deal with. Not because you are a bad person. Not because I do not want to know you. But because of your problem.
I call it a self fulfilling prophecy. You know how that goes, correct? Somebody becomes so focused on the negative aspects, saying how they’ll fail or they’ll make a mistake that they consciously or unconsciously cause it to come true. Your problem makes you think there are all these other social problems, your insecurity amplifies it to the point where even a rock star would go deaf, and it causes the thing you fear to happen.
I’ll break down what happened the other day.
You began to, like a telemarketer or a Nigerian prince, began to spam everyone you knew to contact with junk. You were unable to stop yourself, and pretty much anybody receiving it logged off or blocked you. Why? Because it was spam. That is the only reason. You could have been hacked for all we knew. Then, you almost seemed to use this as confirmation that people hate you. You don’t want to drive people away, but by your hand you were purposely driving people away. But perhaps in your mind, when you saw this, I read your status message. “I have spent the last 4 hours copy-pasting almost 2000 characters of junk text to my friends here in Gtalk. They’ve been adding me to their ignore list one-by-one. Once I’m done, none of my best friends will like me anymore. “
The first sentence was a fact. You were copy-pasting junk. The second sentence describes the reaction to your action: people finding a way to stop the spam from coming in. If you have a leaking faucet, you cut the water so your bathroom doesn’t get soaked. The third sentence is your own version of reality. Scientifically, I’m sure you’ll find that people dislike spam. So sending spam? Not a good idea. But it doesn’t really mean people will dislike you for it. I personally got annoyed by it, then I was angry by your refusal to apologize. It is for the best? Seriously? All my energy and effort I’ve put into responding to all your problems and this is the net result? Are you surprised I was angry?
If people cannot understand your actions or behaviors, how do you think you can understand theirs? Do you ask them? Do you see how they feel about certain things you do? Do you try to adjust to make things better for them? What is for the best, Immy? That you get what you fear and nobody sticks by you? Well, doing stupid stuff like that will insure that. But not for any of the reasons your self doubt and self loathing create in your mind.
I needed you to apologize, for I was angry and had those emotions pent up inside me. You purposely logged off SL to avoid me. Then you responded with that brainwash-sounding line. And then you dropped offline. You spammed me, thus forcing me to ignore you. And then you wouldn’t speak to me. You action me. Me reaction to your action. So what did I do after you did that? I took you off my contact lists. I defriended you.
It is a serious pet peeve of mine to be ignored. I have had every single best friend I ever had in reality drop me like a piece of dirt in my past. So when you avoid me, you are directly attacking me. You might not have meant it, you might not have been able to control it, but you had a gun and you used it. I asked for a simple apology, and I was blown off.
This is not the first time such an action of yours has caused something awkward. People don’t want to have to deal with it. That is a simple fact. People will tolerate it to varying degrees. But it is something they shouldn’t have to. We all do stupid things. We all make mistakes. And hopefully, we grow from it. But I just witness you sliding deeper and deeper into a depression of your own making.
The clouds that darken the skies of your reality are created solely by you. The outside world is not causing it, and only responding to your actions in relation to it. You need to change. You must change. You have to, for the sake of yourself and others.
Right now, I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want to come online and be assaulted by spam or whatever else may happen. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you. Seeing you with Glass Gearz on the edge of conversation Doll Works, bringing Imnotgoing to Doll Works and Dollie. Following us around to try to dwell on negativity or bring attention to that.
I’m not sure I forgive you. I’m not sure you are even to blame. I’m aware that you want to have friends and have a group to go to and find happiness in chatting and socializing. I’m aware you are trying to fight it, trying to change your medication and trying therapy in group and/or individually. Right now, I simply do not wish to deal with it. I haven’t ignored you, and I’d rather not have to. If you abuse that, then you’ll leave me with no choice but to ignore you. Fix your issues. Deal with them. Get over your problems. And let me know. Your reality is askew, I’d start with fixing that. Try to empathize with those around you, consider them and realize that the only darkness is often harbored within yourself.
This is the result. I am not contacts with you for right now. I miss the old Immy. The not so crazy one. But it is hard for me to trust you when you cannot control your actions. You need to clear your mind. You need to take a deep breath and chill out. You need to surrender your insecurities and put to rest those nagging doubts in your head. Or else you simply will continue to spiral down a self-destructive path, hurting those you care about as you flail around fighting yourself. It is painful to watch, and painful to be caught in the effects of it.
So, that is that. If you can clear your head and change, contact me. I hope you don’t lurk in a sim by yourself purposely feeling sorry for yourself and seeming like a creepy stalker however. If we are naturally in chat range that is fine. I’m not especially avoiding you but I’m not going to seek you out nor be a tool to make you feel sorry for yourself.
Yes, if you fix your problem, let me know. But right now? I’m going to steer clear of the crossfire. I may reach out to you later on, on my own, if I do not hear from you, but I also may not. I’m sorry Immy, but I can’t sacrifice my own enjoyment of my evenings to deal with your problems. Your spam occurred after a week of me being miserably sick. I had no food at that point so I was cranky. I log in and the first thing that happened was that. And then I spent the rest of the day thinking about it until finally gave up and removed you as a contact. So all that baggage you carry around? I’m not interested in that right now, and I don’t want to hear about it, unless it is good news.
Despite how harsh this sounds, I really do hope you conquer it. To me, my own ‘for the best’ situation is you gain perspective, clarity, and unburden your soul from those chains that weigh you down. In other words, that you quell the negative voices in your head that only results in people stepping back from you or forcing you to push those who want to associate with you away. I want that to happen. I want to talk to you like a normal human being talks to any other. But I have my own life to deal with, and for now yours is too much for me to handle too. I do care, and that is what makes it hard. Do you think I write ^ this much for somebody I don’t care about? The answer is no. I don’t write this idly or maliciously. I simply wish to explain my situation and where I am coming from.
I wish you the best, Immy. I hope to associate with you again in the future. At many times you have been very friendly, very cheerful, and somebody I have logged into Second Life purposely and exclusively to chat with. You have been wise and knowledgeable and very helpful for many aspects to me. I have learned things I may never have from you. I just do not have the energy to deal with this right now. I do not do this lightly, for I value friendship, and value your friendship, and I want all the friends I can manage. So I implore you, Immy. Find a way to solve your issue without hurting yourself or others. Everyone has tried to show you differently, but no matter what we say or do or try to do you do not hear it or cannot change on our words or advice alone. That is frustrating for everyone, I’m sure, because it is for me. It is a problem only you can confront and fix. And we all come equipped with the greatest tool known to mankind to solve such problems. Even though that is where your problem resides. You are strong, intelligent, and likable. You help others and I know you ultimately only want to have a fun and enjoyable time. Find a solution. Fix yourself, for everyone’s sake, but most especially your own.
You are the most valuable person to your world. You are your own center of that world. Love yourself, and treat others as you yourself would want to be treated. To my own view, the solution is clear as day: release your burdens, and let your worries drift away. Live in the present and find solace in the beauty of the precious time that is ever passing. Note your value, and the value of others, and realize how alike we all are, and how simple everyone’s desires are. Very few who speak to you mean you harm in their actions or think ill of you. You need to see the sun again, Immy, and not just the overcast sky. All you need is change. Change yourself. Change how you view the world. Change how you think about the world. You will find serenity. I really hope you can.
This is why people can’t like me.