Look out… Immy is dramawhoring for a pity party again.
Not feeling good, is all.
In a way, I was forced to realize my place in the scatter of my friendships last night. Seeing two friends in a highly unexpected ‘snuggle’ pose anchored some things for me. Particularly since both of these friends have commonly insisted that they don’t like anyone too close to them… Or maybe just me.
Maybe it is just me.
I don’t know.
I can’t know. When I ask questions I find I’m often responded to with silence. Mostly because I think they’re aware that just about every honest answer will hurt me.
But, last night…
As usual, in the stillness and silence that exists around my friends, I’m given time to ponder things. So, I ponder. I look around the room. They’re all in pairs. Everyone has someone else. I think about many more of my friends in pairs. They’ll dress like each other. They’ll sit together. They’ll often be partners.
2 – 2 – 2 – 2 – 2 – 1 – 2 – 2
That ‘1’ looks out of place, doesn’t it?
I’m thinking to myself; this is the designated driver’s burden.
I’ve never been to a party, let alone a party with drinking, so I may have an artificial view of this…
But, the designated driver… At a party, there will be drinking, maybe drugs, maybe sex, depends on crowd, I guess. But, someone has to get their friends home safely. That someone gets assigned the role of ‘designated driver’. This person can be *at* the party, but, this person can’t be part of the party.
Instead, they have to tolerate all the effects of celebration without the ‘beer goggles’. Being unintoxicated among the celebrants is surely an absolute chore. But, at least you’re at the party, right?
So, I look around the room and the pairs and couples that make up my circle of friends. I look at the few who fly solo like me and they’re usually either creepy or jerks. Makes me think.
I continue to feel as though I’m being kept at arm’s length. A few friends attempt to entertain me, but, that simply makes me feel like more of a burden.
I could always go on my own and leave them to themselves, but, that’s not how it works. When I leave someone alone, they instantly have their companion to turn to. When I go on my own, that’s it. There’s nobody. I can’t imagine turning to anyone without immediately becoming a burden. I can’t stand being alone. So, what choice do I have other than to go back and pretend everything is okay?
I can’t imagine finding a new crowd. It’s difficult for me to fit in anywhere. And what if my current friends actually want me around? I can’t just abandon them. If we lose contact, that’s the end, there’s no reason to put any effort into meeting up with me. There’s always someone else. I struggle to stay with the people I like because someday they’ll be gone and I’ll be back to square 1.
I don’t know what to do. I want to be more than simply tolerated. I want to do more than be simply present.
When things are silent, I think.
When I think, I observe.
My mind often goes to bad places.
My observations often reveal bad things.
Fate? Karma? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I’m a 1 in a room full of 2s and that makes me sad.
I’m the designated driver at the party. I’m the one sitting in the corner with a glass of apple juice and my own thoughts for companionship. Sure, I won’t have the hangover tomorrow. But, what is that compared to the feeling of exclusion and distance I’m feeling right now.
It’s my own fault, I know. Everyone’s trying to help. Nobody knows what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what not to do. Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be.