I sent an apology letter out to the friends I had raged on last week. I’m not expecting much in response. It’s a wonder they lasted this long. So far one opened back up to me on Gtalk and one wrote a letter in reply.
The letter was fairly harsh. That is to say; harsh yet fair. It expressed some truths about why people are in SL. If I had known someone who behaved as I did, I’d likely say the same.
So, that’s what gets me thinking…
Why would anyone want a friend with a personality disorder?
My first thought is that they didn’t know. Nobody knew. So when things started taking shape, people came to the realization ‘this is not for me’. But, really, it wasn’t a mystery to be discovered. I disclosed my diagnosis on the day I got it. From that point on, everyone had the opportunity to decide what to do with me now that the picture has become clear.
There is a lot of information for people who wish to be friends with someone who has BPD. Much of it splits between “Get out! Stop punching yourself! Run away!” and “Coddle like you would for a lost kitten.”
But, what’s the sensible thing to do? How does someone expect to find even footing with a person who is known to have hurtful and damaging behaviour patterns? I don’t see the logic.
Then comes the “They weren’t friends anyway” feedback. Like hell they weren’t. I don’t understand the talk about ‘fair weather friends’ I’m getting from others. You don’t expect them to enjoy being abused day-in and day-out, right?
Then again, I don’t even understand what “friend” means yet anyway. Everybody is different. This single word description isn’t the piece to complete the puzzle. Why do people have friends? Why would they want friends who hurt them? Are friends closer than I assume or further?
Thanks to my actions, my friends are further than ever. Being in my presence is simply a painful experience and not the reason they go online and inworld. Does that make them “not friends”? I like them a lot. I still want to see them. But, to see them is to harm them. So, it’s better for me to stay away. But, is that a friendship? What kind of friendship is it that the best thing I can do for those I like is to leave them alone?
I don’t know what I should expect out of a friendship. “Your perception of reality is so warped you’re incapable of having friends.” is probably one of the cruelest things I’ve had told to me in a long time. But, is it true? If so, why would anyone want to deal with this?