Me, learning to be me…

Imnotgoing: I miss everyone. I wish they would take me back.
I don’t know what I can do to be with the group again.

Sent at 10:40 AM on Tuesday
*****: I’d give you advice there but I really do somewhat think you would get frustrated and crack again since the group still idles as much as usual, plus a lot of current strains exist in the group now that you will innevitably blaim yourself for somehow when they crack and shatter, even though the problems have nothing to do with you… and you will break even more.
The last time we talked you seemed a lot better, but… There’s still quite a bit of self lothing going on with you in my eyes, I can just see you making their problems your fault again
and there are so many…

Imnotgoing: The antipsychotic I was on was making me too sleepy. I’m coming back off of it and starting to feel like crap again.

*****: I see,

Sent at 10:50 AM on Tuesday
*****: hmm… well anyway group chat with them may be a negative step right now. Though one on one conversations should be fine… well as long as said person isnt harboring bad impressions anyway… complicated… Arg!!! that act you did a while back really messed things up you know!
if it just wasnt for that one rage event…
…sigh~

Imnotgoing: I was panicking and _____ was triggering me.
If anything, I have to assume this is the way she wants it.
I was a lot of trouble for a long time.
As much as I hate it, maybe I belong alone.

*****: no not really… though it’s far to complex to explain.
… you know to the last moments she was still finding outfits you might like.
_____’s way of showing friendship is wierd, it’s inconclusive, but it is there. Though it can be tough to face.

Imnotgoing: I’m muted and banned.

*****: well you did spam her chat with achiving that intention in mind ^ ^;;

Imnotgoing: No intention.
Take that back.

*****: well what aim did you have when you spammed her chat, I’m sure you had a clear idea exactly what would happen if you did correct?

Imnotgoing: I was aimless, panicking, beyond my own control.

Sent at 11:08 AM on Tuesday
Imnotgoing: What aim did she have when she approached my fears with: http://darkly-cute.com/blog/?p=534
She told me I’m incapable of having friends.
I was at work.
9am, I was at the office.

Sent at 11:13 AM on Tuesday
*****: she was being pressured and was reaching an end, I’ll tell you this now, I had to calm her down a number of times in the lead up to that day… She really didnt know what to do.

Imnotgoing: Do about what? She was very confident to me.

*****: people put up a front even to friends, and _____ puts up the biggest front of all… she isnt as strong as she appears, and her presence at the time this was all happening was becoming more and more erratic

Imnotgoing: I don’t believe that. She knows how to get what she wants, no matter what.

Sent at 11:21 AM on Tuesday
*****: I’m sure I’ve touched on this before, but I guess this is gonna be hard to understand for someone as open and honest as yourself… and if you really think she got what she wanted think again! She didnt spend years with you just to get a few bits of help regarding parts of SL she didnt understand, then discard you like a rag… she so honestly wanted to help, enjoyed certain topics of conversation that people like me couldnt have, even I was jelous at how close you were at times over the years. Seriously nothing was done lightly!!!

Imnotgoing: Yet, here I am. Discarded.

Sent at 11:29 AM on Tuesday
*****: hmm, lets say you have a work collegue that was struggling with an important project, the sort that when completed would make a few things easier for you but, for the most part, completely unrelated to you and your needs. You decide to help them with this project to help see its completion, but it’s really hard and its not within your field of expertise.

Sent at 11:48 AM on Tuesday
*****: this person accepts your help willingly but puts you in a possition of reliance dispite your lack of expertise and then starts piling on the pressure onto you, this person’s one ray of hope (as the person sees it) in getting the project done.

Imnotgoing: I don’t feel as though friendship can be as cold and clear cut as a work environment.

*****: suddenly your getting hounded for results, it’s a struggle, you dont know what to do, you want to help but its hard, it’s out of your area of knowlege.
the pressure starts to effect your everyday life, others begin to notice and advise distance.

Imnotgoing: So, you pretend to be the expert of the position at hand until the last moment when you decide to crack and press the red button.

*****: … this is what I’m seeing happening.. and social and business practices go hand in hand

Imnotgoing: That’s cold.
I don’t think of anyone as a work task.
I seek friends for companionship. Not to get jobs done.

*****: ah did I not mention it as a voluntery aid?
but this was just an example to give you an idea

Imnotgoing: It’s a frightening example which could kill my belief that friendship is about finding people dear to you and caring about them.

*****: … I suppose by this standard then that assisting a friend with their blender projects oto you is a form of “work” then?

Imnotgoing: Really, am I pouring my heart out to people who see me as a volunteer task?

*****: to*

Imnotgoing: Is that it? Am I some charity case just to be tolerated?
Has this all been out of pity and guilt?

*****: mou~ I already said it didnt I? did you forget what I said already, it’s not been that long!!!

Imnotgoing: Then what are you talking about right now?

*****: “…enjoyed certain topics of conversation that people like me couldnt have, even I was jelous at how close you were at times over the years.”

Imnotgoing: You’re comparing friendship to work. Volunteer work, at that.
Maybe I’m just crazy, but, I prefer to be someone who lives from the heart.
I’m a 6′ tall overweight American behemuth who will openly cry at a movie.
I will care about those directly in front of me and fight intensely against my fears to be good to them.

*****: immy… I said it was an example… and an objective between friends that requires effort to achive is still an objective set ahead of time that takes effort to obtain.

Imnotgoing: That sounds cold.
It seems a very logical way to explain the illogical.

*****: … thats how I’m minded.

Imnotgoing: I see friendship as illogical.
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway” – Elbert Hubbard.

Sent at 12:06 PM on Tuesday
Imnotgoing: “[Being a friend is] the ability to be oneself, expressing one’s feelings and making mistakes without fear of judgement” – Wikipedia… Even the internet has a heart about the subject.
Maybe I am wrong, though.
It would explain how I lost them.
Maybe I simply know nothing about friendship and just used people.
Maybe I’m supposed to be alone.
Maybe I’m where I belong right now.
It’s noon time in California on a cloudless warm day, yet my only light source is a computer screen.
I don’t have to like it.
I just have to accept.
This is my place.

Sent at 12:12 PM on Tuesday
*****: ~sigh~ feel free to paist this conversation on a blog, perhaps you’ll see some expansion on a lot of points, (not including the more personal parts about _____ of course)

About Imnotgoing Sideways

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One Response to Me, learning to be me…

  1. Maggie says:

    That thing about you not being capable of having friends was said while you were going totally batshit, right? I don’t think that’s meant to have anything to do with you as a person not being capable of having friends.. just that you weren’t capable of being a friend at that point.

    And I guess that’s the other thing. It’s one thing to say that friendship is inherently irrational, or that it’s totally unconditional.. but it’s another to ask somebody to just sacrifice themself, especially if they don’t think that it’s even helping the other person.
    I’ve used the drowning metaphor before. It’s one thing to help somebody if you can. It’s another to sacrifice yourself to do it and still another to sacrifice yourself when even that won’t help them. If somebody is drowning and they’re going to pull you down with them if you just dive in and try to save them, then if you do it, you haven’t actually helped them. You’ve just changed it so that two people drown instead of one. And if you’d run off and tried to find somebody else to help them, you’d probably have had more of a chance of actually doing some good.
    People have limits. People have to have limits, and people have to know their limits.
    You can care about somebody unconditionally and even love them unconditionally, but there’s still always some point where you have to acknowledge your own limitations. Or you “drown.”

    Take this with a shaker-full of salt, since I’m not so good at the friendship thing myself, but I think you do have to learn more about friendship, especially in an objective sense. It seems like you’re taking ideals and trying to pull them too far.

    It’s not about getting and giving so much as it’s about it just being mutual. It’s hard to define the exact difference between those things, and it seems like you’re getting caught up there.. thinking that if it has to be mutual, then that means it’s all about what you get from each other.

    It’s also a matter of what somebody would ask of you. There’s nothing wrong with having friends that you’d do anything for.. but what if they ask something that makes you question whether they really are who you thought they were?

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