Finding me

A little story. I am product of a teen pregnancy. Mom was still in high school and dad had graduated a year or two prior. They married and mom graduated in hope they’d be able to raise me in a family.

They divorced before I was 1.

So, I was raised by my grandmother. Mom moved far north. Dad worked the tugboats and was much more of a party animal than a parent. And there were still two teen aunties living at home.

Basically, I had legos, broken VCRs, an old record player, and a Nintendo to take care of me while I was growing up.

But, that was that. I grew up healthy, left high school early, and wound up very successful in the manufacturing industry. A certain someone felt a lot of pity for the loner who had a PB&J with Mug rootbeer every day and started bringing food. So, I latch on and get married….. WAY too young as I’ve now recently sorted out.

Long story short, I reached 2009 with no social life, a dysfunctional marriage, and a dependency on electronics, anime, games, and gadgets to be my soothing ‘friends’. It was fine. I knew no better.

Eventually I join SL and make friends. Tumultuous friendships with lots of drama, pushing, breaking, re-joining, and so on. I looked at my friendships and didn’t know why I was having such a tough time getting along. I looked at my marriage and didn’t know why I never actually felt connected with this person.

Then I ask a co-worker for information about what would happen with my paycheck, credit bills, and other finances if I were to kill myself.

That blew over like a fart in church.

So I was on disability for a while and continue drugs and therapy with a recent conclusion that I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  My past and present read almost like official documentation on the subject.  I won’t go into detail and only suggest reading the Wikipedia page on the condition.

Do I blame anyone? No. Though, I have the constant urge to blame myself.  Am I getting better?  Maybe.  I’m afraid only my friends can tell.  And, those who are my friends now are genuinely true.  I have dragged them through hell and back and they’re still right here. They’ve been helping me find me all along.

Thank you.

 

About Imnotgoing Sideways

I'm a Second Life avatar with my own cookie jar! (^_^)y
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One Response to Finding me

  1. sandra says:

    I wish someone would come to some decision about who is to blame for what we are and how we are fixed. My feeling is unless you have been seriously abused, parents, however inadequate, have little to do with it except for the huge bit about genes. On the other hand kids from loving, secure happy families also seem loving and secure. It’s all luck in the end. But once again I am struck by your attitude to your friends, which sounds like love to me.

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