SRS Immy is SRS today…
I posed a question on Plurk and Twitter the other day.
What would you do if today felt like the last day you would see the people you like the most?
The responses came.
I’d probably tell them, then try to have a “normal” day with them.
I don’t like being near people I like, I start having panic attacks; 2) shrink them put them in a box, carry around in pocket
I would see my family, then see you and then see a special friend in Holland
make sure they all knew how much they mean, and how treasured I hold them, and then I’d paint them tiedyed
And now, with those responses in mind; what would you do if every day felt like that?
Really, say you have this impossible-to-ignore feeling that this is “it”, everything is over, and there will be nothing the next time you so much as blink.
Given the responses above, it sounds like that would be pretty rough. Just imagine it. Imagine having a constant urge to see people, remind them of your connection, hope they reciprocate, and this pretty much goes on all day, every day.
Believe it or not, that’s how I feel.
I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m sure I’ve been under this condition for years.
I have been reading and watching, listening and talking, and really trying to work out this “thing” I have. I have also been trying to debunk it. Both in general controversy and in my own point of view. I’m gradually learning that I can’t keep such a venture up. The facts are in place, the patterns are there, and those who know me closely share the opinion.
So… Borderline. Borderline between what and what, I don’t know. I have seen long lists of what it’s not. So, I can only rehash what I’ve read before or describe my own experience. My experience is that which I asked this week.
EVERY day feels like the last day I’ll see the people I like the most.
I’m getting treatment. I can’t say I have much of a sense of direction. I try to do as I’m told and still tend to land back in my reflexive rut of fearing that hope is lost and I won’t see anyone. Like they’ll leave me tonight because of the way I behaved today. Like they’re off doing their own thing in order to avoid dealing with me.
So, I’m at war with these feelings. I’m always working against them. Sadly, it means compartmentalizing my friends, clinging to the close ones while being terrified of meeting new people. Terrified because new friends mean divided time. Divided time means being away from my current friends. Being away leads to drifting apart. Drifting apart leads to losing them. I’d be losing my friends. I don’t want to lose my friends. It would hurt too much. I’ll miss them greatly. I miss them right now.
But… They’re still here.
I can easily say it. But, I can’t seem to convince myself of it. What comes is constant frantic efforts to keep people near. But not so near that I annoy or scare them. But no so far that I can’t reach to cling.
It’s not easy.
But, it’s me.
I’m working on it.
I have no clue what I’m doing.
But, I can’t stay like this.