Between what and what?

SRS Immy is SRS today…

I posed a question on Plurk and Twitter the other day.

What would you do if today felt like the last day you would see the people you like the most?

The responses came.

I’d probably tell them, then try to have a “normal” day with them.

I don’t like being near people I like, I start having panic attacks; 2) shrink them put them in a box, carry around in pocket

I would see my family, then see you and then see a special friend in Holland

make sure they all knew how much they mean, and how treasured I hold them, and then I’d paint them tiedyed

And now, with those responses in mind; what would you do if every day felt like that?

Really, say you have this impossible-to-ignore feeling that this is “it”, everything is over, and there will be nothing the next time you so much as blink.

Given the responses above, it sounds like that would be pretty rough.  Just imagine it.  Imagine having a constant urge to see people, remind them of your connection, hope they reciprocate, and this pretty much goes on all day, every day.

Believe it or not, that’s how I feel.

I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I’m sure I’ve been under this condition for years.

I have been reading and watching, listening and talking, and really trying to work out this “thing” I have.  I have also been trying to debunk it.  Both in general controversy and in my own point of view.  I’m gradually learning that I can’t keep such a venture up.  The facts are in place, the patterns are there, and those who know me closely share the opinion.

So… Borderline.  Borderline between what and what, I don’t know.  I have seen long lists of what it’s not.  So, I can only rehash what I’ve read before or describe my own experience.  My experience is that which I asked this week.

EVERY day feels like the last day I’ll see the people I like the most.

I’m getting treatment.  I can’t say I have much of a sense of direction.  I try to do as I’m told and still tend to land back in my reflexive rut of fearing that hope is lost and I won’t see anyone.  Like they’ll leave me tonight because of the way I behaved today.  Like they’re off doing their own thing in order to avoid dealing with me.

So, I’m at war with these feelings.  I’m always working against them.  Sadly, it means compartmentalizing my friends, clinging to the close ones while being terrified of meeting new people.  Terrified because new friends mean divided time.  Divided time means being away from my current friends.  Being away leads to drifting apart.  Drifting apart leads to losing them.  I’d be losing my friends. I don’t want to lose my friends.  It would hurt too much.  I’ll miss them greatly.  I miss them right now.

But… They’re still here.

I can easily say it.  But, I can’t seem to convince myself of it.  What comes is constant frantic efforts to keep people near.  But not so near that I annoy or scare them.  But no so far that I can’t reach to cling.

It’s not easy.

But, it’s me.

I’m working on it.

I have no clue what I’m doing.

But, I can’t stay like this.


About Imnotgoing Sideways

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15 Responses to Between what and what?

  1. Ghosty Kips says:

    I was diagnosed borderline schizophrenic when I was in my 20s, but didn’t take it seriously until 15 years ago or so. I’m a mild case – mild enough I could self-medicate, but not so mild that it didn’t make my life crap. Eventually you will find your place. I have ended up with very few friends, but the ones I have I’ve had for decades. I’ve come to realize I like it better that way. Take each day as it comes, and you’ll get to where you’re comfortable, too. Just be resigned to taking a long road to get there.

  2. Gypsy Quixote says:

    I won’t pretend to understand. I don’t. But this brings something to mind that I’ve noticed in the year or so that I’ve read your posts here, in GD and on twitter; You often seem to be worried or overly conscious of turning away friends, as though everything you do is abrasive and hard to be around. And yet, I’ve never seen anything remotely abrasive or offensive in your posts. Maybe I just don’t know the real you, maybe you’re a completely different animal in-world. But even before this blog post I had begun to sense that you were too paranoid for your own good. And the final clue for me is the fact that I’ve never seen anyone have anything but praise and hugs for you. People I love and people I don’t care at all for .. they all like Immy.

    So it’s in your head. You know that now. And you’ve defined it right here, read your own words, you know what you need to do. Accept the hugs and friendship, accept that you’re not as annoying as you keep thinking. Relax and believe in others just a little. That’s what it’s all about, climbing down from the all-self-knowing and allowing in a bit of outside light.

    Well, that’s what I think anyhow. I think you’re pretty adorable and couldn’t possibly be all that annoying. I think you’re 21st century stuff, not to be fully comprehended by 20th century minds just yet.

    Take it all with a grain of salt.


  3. Solo Mornington says:

    Immy… Congrats on working on it. Keep in mind that friends and acquaintances near and far are glad to know you. If you ever doubt it, send an IM or something. :-)

  4. Ashiri says:

    Hey Immy, I can’t say I understand what you experience but now I can at least understand why you post what you do. Not that I’ve ever found you annoying in the slightest so I was always a bit confused. Anyway, keep working at it.

  5. sandra says:

    The main thing I notice is that your friends seem very important to you. Which is a lot better than not giving a toss about anyone.

  6. Immy, BPD sucks, but the best treatment is something called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. If you are interested, IM me in world and I can talk with you more.

  7. Imnotgoing Sideways says:

    What’s insane is that I spent a lot of this past weekend beating myself up over things. At the same time, tormenting those around me with a constant spew of drama.

    Hindsight is always 20-20. I don’t really know what was going on in my mind at the time. Just an overwhelming feeling to apologize for whatever I may be doing wrong. Constant doubt that I’m welcome, which is followed by me repeatedly asking “should I go?”… I don’t quite know how to come up out of that.

    When I think about it, yeah, that was stupid. But, at the time, it’s all I could have on my mind. I discount most of it as attention seeking. But, even if that, I really want to know how to stop.

  8. sandra says:

    It’s really strange for someone who doesn’t drink, but doing something you later feel was awful and then spending the next day grovelling with apologies sounds like alcoholic behaviour. The great thing about being drunk at the time is you can use that as an excuse. In your case, well, you don’t have one. The truth is most people’s lives are so boring they actually really really enjoy someone being a tit. So carry on doing it, your friends are getting entertained.

  9. sandra says:

    PS: What exactly was it you did?

    • Imnotgoing Sideways says:

      Most just a continual spew of negativity. They did not enjoy it, for sure. Now I’m considering leaving them and pretty much anyone else alone.

      I almost deleted my friends list last night. I almost considered hanging myself this morning. I’m at work right now being highly unproductive. I would have stayed home, but I been doing that too much lately and I figured this would be distraction enough to keep me alive.

  10. sandra says:

    Oh dear Immy, it does sound like a very black place you are in. Just going through the motions of life – eat, sleep, work – is about all you can do while you wait. At least you have a secure job and a home. It is count your blessings time until, hopefully, as usually happens, your personal weather system perks up again.

  11. Maggiedoll says:

    Between neurosis and psychosis. That’s how the term originated, anyways. Obviously it’s changed a lot since the beginning. (Erm, that is, assuming you actually wanted an answer and weren’t just channeling Girl, Interrupted.)
    Not to mention that the entire personality disorders category is being overhauled for the DSM-V. ( If you actually want to read the proposed psychobabble..)

    • Imnotgoing Sideways says:

      I actually did have that curiosity, given it doesn’t seem to be written anywhere and people are trying to rename it. But, yeah, I did lift the line from the movie.

      The disorder seems to be still quite controversial. I’ve found articles from some who consider “Borderlines” as troublemakers who simply refuse treatment and others who view it as such an incurable state of affairs that we can only be researched. I do what I can to be confident of the middle ground.

      Thanks for the link. While it is psychobabble, it still gives me another point of view I can work from. I know things like this can’t be given a mathematic formula, so the legalese technicalities are easy enough to skim over.

      • Maggiedoll says:

        You forgot the other side of the argument– that it’s a label given to any patient a therapist doesn’t like or doesn’t know what to do with. A method of blaming the patient when therapy doesn’t go well. (Or was that what you meant by “troublemakers”? I wouldn’t necessarily have called somebody a therapist doesn’t know how to deal with a troublemaker, but I suppose the therapist would see it that way. And I guess sometimes it would be true. But certainly not always.)

        Like most controversial diagnoses, I think the point of contention is less about whether the disorder itself is legitimate and more about how often it’s inappropriately applied.

      • Imnotgoing Sideways says:

        True. And, yeah, my ‘troublemaker’ is someone refusing treatment or is being too difficult. I don’t believe my therapist sees me that way. Given what information I’ve found online, I could have self-diagnosed years ago. But, I opt not to do that as I consider self-diagnosis more a danger than the conditions themselves. What does trouble me is that, while looking online, I have found little more than two forms of description and treatment rehashed dozens of times. From one site to the next I’m finding what looks like the result of copy-pasting anything which had been said before. On the other half, very bitter people made up of patients looking to divert guilt to cast blame and non-patients attempting to debunk the realities. It’s messy and doesn’t help my confidence. A lot of it speaks to me yet very little of it provides many answers.

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