Heavy

That’s how things feel right now.  Heavy.

Gladly I’m treading water just above my usual self-destructive rut.  I’m not feeling well, but, I’m also not looking longingly at sections of rope.

My friendships, what they were, I still don’t know how to handle.  No matter what I do, I still think about the people who were right here with me for 3 years, only to part ways in 1 day.  It’s not what I wanted, but they’re being firm.  I clearly have no say in the matter from here on out.

Then comes the question of ‘who’s next’?

A lot of people are being friendly but for some reason I haven’t found friends yet.  I appreciate everyone and their kindness but I don’t know who to take in like I did in the past.  So far, I simply remain afraid of everyone.

I’ve been using group chats and forums as an outlet, but, those are all superficial links with people.  Not unlike co-workers.  There because they’re there and no real solid bond.

I’m seeing other friends dealing with such loss and confusion.  I don’t have a clear mental snapshot of all that’s going on, but I smell hostility.  Unneeded hostility.  Something that only adds more weight to an already heavy situation.

I can only assume.

It’s late.

I just felt like I had something to say.

I’m not quite sure if I’ve said anything just now.

I’ll post it anyway.

 

About Imnotgoing Sideways

I'm a Second Life avatar with my own cookie jar! (^_^)y
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13 Responses to Heavy

  1. Kizzume says:

    I just wanted to give you a big online hug.

  2. Solo Mornington says:

    Have you ever heard of Pronoia Therapy? :-)

  3. Maggie says:

    It takes time to form real bonds, Immy. Insta-friendships just don’t last.. they’re usually built on fantasy. You meet somebody, imagine what they’re like, and make friends with that. And how can a real person ever live up to your fantasy of who they are? At best they’ll be.. not who you thought they were.

    People on forums, or at work, or anywhere else you encounter people regularly, can be a good place to start. If you don’t start with superficial contact, it turns into a sink-or-swim thing, like either somebody wants to be your friend or they don’t like you. I don’t think it actually works like that, though.

    • Imnotgoing Sideways says:

      3 Years.

      • Maggie says:

        ..but that’s how long you were friends with people who recently started feeling like you’d changed and weren’t the same person they’d made friends with, right?
        Not a length of time to develop a friendship.

        When you say that you “don’t know who to take in like you did before” it sounds like you’re saying that you want to decide now, before getting to know new people, who you’re going to form a particular type of friendship with.
        It’s a recipe for failure because you’re wanting to decide the terms of a relationship at the beginning, without knowing anybody. And creating instant expectations that may or may not even be what anybody else is looking for.
        Wouldn’t it be a better idea to decide to make acquaintances, while being open to the possibility of developing friendships?

      • Imnotgoing Sideways says:

        I feel alone and afraid. I believe I was set up for disposal by one person at the expense of 6 to 8 others. I’d like to think I still have a chance with those 8 others, but as long as they see me as the one who ruined everything, that can’t happen.

        This was my first circle of friends, ever. And, really, ever. I never socialized outside of SL. There’s a whole lot of things I just don’t understand. I thought I had friends. I thought we were developing friendships. I couldn’t believe it would turn out like this. Now that it has, I’ve lost sight of what little I was aware of regarding friendship.

        These were the people I could turn to to understand and believe me when nobody else would. Now they no longer care. I’m blacked out from their sights.

        Was I so bad?

        Am I still that bad?

        If I am, how can I expect to develop a friendship with anyone?

        How do I clearly find out if I’m simply better off alone?

  4. Maggie says:

    I don’t know you well enough, or understand people well enough, to answer any of your questions. I don’t know your friends/former friends so I can’t know what happened.

    How sure are you of your diagnosis? Your comment about this having been your first circle of friends raised a giant red flag for me. Personality disorders are based on pervasive, lifelong patterns. One instance != lifelong pattern.
    It also makes your terror that you might not develop new friendships seem more appropriate. If your experience making friends is limited, and the few friendships you have made have fallen apart, it strikes me as fairly rational and, well, normal to question your ability to make friends. That’s not to say that you can’t or won’t or don’t need help.. just that I don’t see anything pathological about the fear.

    The question “am I so bad?” usually negates itself. Bad don’t bother to ask it at all. They either assume that they’re wonderful or they just don’t care.

    It sounds like you’re asking for clear cut answers to all life’s question.. you know, the ones that everybody asks and nobody really fully understands.

    There’s not a single right way.

  5. sandra says:

    They must be a hard-hearted bunch, your erstwhile friends. I expect they read what you say and know how lonely you are without them and still no one offers forgiveness? Maybe the coldness that all this has exposed is what attracted you to them in the first place.

    • Imnotgoing Sideways says:

      They were warm, supportive, and caring for as long as I knew them. Only, I hurt them so bad for so long. People can only take so much before they crack.

      • Maggie says:

        Sounds like you know that you need to learn to be a better friend. And/or appreciate the heck out of people who do put up with anything difficult you might do.
        It’s always easier to deal with a difficult person when they know that they’re difficult and appreciate the effort it takes.
        If you don’t let people know that you appreciate them, they end up feeling like YOU don’t want THEM.

      • sandra says:

        Have you ever kicked someone out of your life after three years because they were too needy, too naughty, too complicated or too ill?

      • Imnotgoing Sideways says:

        Me? No.

  6. sandra says:

    They should give you another chance Immy, they really should.

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