That’s not the solution…

I done some upgrades to my computer lately.  Got me a nice fancy graphics card that’s behaving really nicely and a SSD, just to see what it’ll do.

The speed… Crazy and all. (^_^)

But…

Since I got this motherboard I’ve been facing bootup problems.  Not terrible.  Just, with my old hard drive, it would take a few resets before Windows started loading.  I’m a softie enough to overlook that.  As long as I knew how to start it, fine by me. (^_^)

But…

It wasn’t the same with the SSD.  Being a 1:1 image of my old drive, I had been assuming it’s a problem with the boot record.  So, I been spending a few minutes each day running different fixes for the MBR and different things to convince my

…. My cat just licked my cable modem… (O.o)

Anyway…

… I been trying to convince my computer that the drive is a nice drive and it should start using that one… To no avail. (T_T)

This morning, I started peeking around boxes to find the manual on my motherboard.  I didn’t find it, but, I did find the SATA cables that came with it and they were rather clearly marked “6GB” and I’m all, “oooooooooh”. (o.o)

So, the cables I had in there were from the old board and I just left things in place.  Is that a bad thing?  I didn’t think so at first.  Then I swapped them out. (o.O)

… And the bloody thing boots! Frigg’n $*()!&* I been dealing with this for months. DX

So, all the time I been convinced that it was an MBR issue since once it booted all was well. While, the whole time, it wound up being a bad or incompatible cable. (._.)

Kinda made me think.  A term I been surrounded with since going to therapy is “Coping methods”.  Sort of “Bad stuff is happening so I’ll do this that way and stuff will be fine.”

But, not always fine.

Often, really bad.

But, it worked in the past.

Then again, the bad stuff isn’t so bad now, right?

… And a whole run of odd logic trying to work things out.

Thing is, I have a lot of bad coping methods.  Most of which I’m only beginning to become aware of.  And, even being aware of them doesn’t convince me that changing them will help.  Each is a solution to something and often something I don’t understand.  Some of the ways I try to solve problems are bigger problems all their own.  It isn’t easy to know what’s what until the damage has been done.

Just like it took me months to recognize the bootup problem as troublesome enough to want to solve and weeks to try a number of solutions until it’s worked out… I’ve been going for years with coping methods that do no good.  Now, I’m in the middle of fixing things and I lack the a-ha moment which will put things in the straight and narrow.

Though, that moment might not be as simple as swapping out some cables.

If I had just left the computer alone, I’d have eventually had to deal with data corruption and possibly some bluescreens and the need to install all this stuff all over again…

Same goes for me.  My wires are crossed and the damage is being done.  I had a handful of really close friends who I could rely on to be around almost every day.  They were good to chat with and work with.  They were helpful when I needed help.  But, in leaving my crossed wires as they are for too long, things fell apart.  One after another, people went their own way, including myself somewhat.

I’m still having a tough time accepting what happened.  But, I still have some wires to fix.  Problem is, I don’t know what or where.  How many more times will I have to screw up before I find my way out?  I don’t know.

I miss my friends.  At one time, I had a handful of close friends and a list of people that I’d chat with only once in a while.  Now, all I have left is the list.  Maybe it’s my fault for not getting closer to people who are willing to be close.  But, I don’t know who’s who.  Plus, I’m afraid the whole mess will just happen all over again.  It’s very messy. (._.)

I don’t know what the solution is.  But, what I do know so far is that I’m finding many things that are not the solution.

Right now I’m scared out of my wits with people.  I spend almost every waking hour thinking about the friends I lost, what I could have done differently, and how better off they probably are since I’ve gone.  So much so that I’m finding it impossible to be able to distract myself or find someone else to attach to.

If I only knew what wires to swap.

About Imnotgoing Sideways

I'm a Second Life avatar with my own cookie jar! (^_^)y
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2 Responses to That’s not the solution…

  1. Vick says:

    If there is something broken, perhaps it can be fixed. If it can not be fixed clearly mark the area where it is wrong and avoid going there.
    There are two possible starting points for this.
    What is broken and end up in an everlasting therapy. Or identify the area that should be avoided. Latest approach is easiest and gives instant results.

    Interesting analogy.

  2. Randy says:

    Immy, I know you slightly from SLU. I’ve read some of your posts there and now this blog. I’m really sorry you’re going through all this. It sounds like it’s a pretty rough time. If I can ever help or if you just need someone to listen to you then let me know. I’d love to help. Take care, hope everything is better for you soon.

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