Afraid of… (o_o;)

RL me goes to work at 7am. RL me has a 45 minute commute. Which means RL me leaves the house at 6:30 AM and drives like a bat outta hell. =^-^=

But… It’s 6am. It’s dark at 6am. I don’t like it when it’s dark. (._.)

Add that, my mind gets the better of me. For the past month of so, I have to walk out of the house backwards after a routine of turning lights along my exit path before turning other lights off. If I don’t the anxiety is overwhelming. (._.)

Smaller rooms, okay. In bed, okay. But, around the corner of a hallway or by the door of a blackened dark room… No… Not gonna happen. (._.)

So, every morning, I’m overtaken with this fear that something is gonna come around the corner. I don’t even think of being attacked… Just the idea of a presence is enough to make my heart race. (._.)

So… Every morning… I start in my room. I turn on the hallway light, then turn off my room light. I then go to the kitchen at the end of the hallway and turn that light on, then return to turn off the hallway light. I then open the door to the laundry room and turn the light on in there. All that’s left is the garage, so turning on my car’s lights via the car alarm should be fine. I can just turn off the kitchen light and go… Right? (O.o)

Wrong. (._.)

The kitchen light illuminates a lot of the house and the hallway is around a corner. So, once that kitchen light is off, the anxiety kicks in and I have to have the darkness of my house in my field of view or the panic attack will kick in. So, what I do is approach the laundry room door by walking with my back to the wall, step backwards down and out of the kitchen and finally close the door. Only after the door is closed do I feel safe. (._.)

From then on, spaces are small and corners are few, so, there’s nothing to trigger me. (>_<) That's my morning... Every morning... Especially after watching something scary. (._.) Lately it's been Marble Hornets. It's an augmented reality presentation on Youtube and various other outlets telling the story of a film maker who got weird, disappeared, left some clues behind, and now a friend is following in his footsteps. (>_<) The story is fascinating. It has developed over a year or more and pretty much proceeds in real time as if the story is actually happening. So, there are commonly big gaps between scenes. The problem being, it introduces characterizations that target my fears directly. (._.) Namely, Slender Man. (>_<) His few appearances in the story reflect my anxiety bound fears quite closely. Seeing someone outside the window. Finding him towering over me in a hallway as I turn around. (>_<) My fascination won't allow me to let go. I enjoy the story while I'm watching, reading, and absorbing it. It's when I step away that I take a part of it with me. Especially in the dark. (._.) I've been like this for as long as I can remember. The stress and depression are new things driven by what I now consider a failure of a marriage. But, the fears have been long term. (>_<) In the end, it's just something that's there and something that I tend to think about a lot. It's not always a showstopper for my productive day. But it sure as heck is a hurdle to my night time stuff. (._.) It's just something that's on my mind at the moment. Don't mind me if I'm babbling junk. (._.)