Look out… Immy is dramawhoring for a pity party again.<\/p>\n
Not feeling good, is all.<\/p>\n
In a way, I was forced to realize my place in the scatter of my friendships last night.\u00a0 Seeing two friends in a highly unexpected ‘snuggle’ pose anchored some things for me.\u00a0 Particularly since both of these friends have commonly insisted that they don’t like anyone too close to them… Or maybe just me.<\/p>\n
Maybe it is just me.<\/p>\n
I don’t know.<\/p>\n
I can’t know.\u00a0 When I ask questions I find I’m often responded to with silence.\u00a0 Mostly because I think they’re aware that just about every honest answer will hurt me.<\/p>\n
But, last night…<\/p>\n
As usual, in the stillness and silence that exists around my friends, I’m given time to ponder things.\u00a0 So, I ponder.\u00a0 I look around the room.\u00a0 They’re all in pairs.\u00a0 Everyone has someone else.\u00a0 I think about many more of my friends in pairs.\u00a0 They’ll dress like each other.\u00a0 They’ll sit together.\u00a0 They’ll often be partners.<\/p>\n
2 – 2 – 2 – 2 – 2 – 1 – 2 – 2<\/p>\n
That ‘1’ looks out of place, doesn’t it?<\/p>\n
I’m thinking to myself; this is the designated driver’s burden.<\/p>\n
I’ve never been to a party, let alone a party with drinking, so I may have an artificial view of this…<\/p>\n
But, the designated driver… At a party, there will be drinking, maybe drugs, maybe sex, depends on crowd, I guess.\u00a0 But, someone has to get their friends home safely.\u00a0 That someone gets assigned the role of ‘designated driver’.\u00a0 This person can be *at* the party, but, this person can’t be part of the party.<\/p>\n
Instead, they have to tolerate all the effects of celebration without the ‘beer goggles’.\u00a0 Being unintoxicated among the celebrants is surely an absolute chore.\u00a0 But, at least you’re at the party, right?<\/p>\n
So, I look around the room and the pairs and couples that make up my circle of friends.\u00a0 I look at the few who fly solo like me and they’re usually either creepy or jerks.\u00a0 Makes me think.<\/p>\n
I continue to feel as though I’m being kept at arm’s length.\u00a0 A few friends attempt to entertain me, but, that simply makes me feel like more of a burden.<\/p>\n
I could always go on my own and leave them to themselves, but, that’s not how it works.\u00a0 When I leave someone alone, they instantly have their companion to turn to.\u00a0 When I go on my own, that’s it.\u00a0 There’s nobody.\u00a0 I can’t imagine turning to anyone without immediately becoming a burden.\u00a0 I can’t stand being alone.\u00a0 So, what choice do I have other than to go back and pretend everything is okay?<\/p>\n
I can’t imagine finding a new crowd.\u00a0 It’s difficult for me to fit in anywhere.\u00a0 And what if my current friends actually want me around?\u00a0 I can’t just abandon them.\u00a0 If we lose contact, that’s the end, there’s no reason to put any effort into meeting up with me.\u00a0 There’s always someone else.\u00a0 I struggle to stay with the people I like because someday they’ll be gone and I’ll be back to square 1.<\/p>\n
I don’t know what to do.\u00a0 I want to be more than simply tolerated.\u00a0 I want to do more than be simply present.<\/p>\n
When things are silent, I think.<\/p>\n
When I think, I observe.<\/p>\n
My mind often goes to bad places.<\/p>\n
My observations often reveal bad things.<\/p>\n
Fate? Karma? I don’t know.<\/p>\n
What I do know is that I’m a 1 in a room full of 2s and that makes me sad.<\/p>\n
I’m the designated driver at the party.\u00a0 I’m the one sitting in the corner with a glass of apple juice and my own thoughts for companionship.\u00a0 Sure, I won’t have the hangover tomorrow.\u00a0 But, what is that compared to the feeling of exclusion and distance I’m feeling right now.<\/p>\n
It’s my own fault, I know.\u00a0 Everyone’s trying to help.\u00a0 Nobody knows what to do.\u00a0 I don’t know what to do.\u00a0 I don’t know what not to do.\u00a0 Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Look out… Immy is dramawhoring for a pity party again. Not feeling good, is all. In a way, I was forced to realize my place in the scatter of my friendships last night.\u00a0 Seeing two friends in a highly unexpected … Continue reading